Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Stay with me.

Today she handed me a paper.
On October 9th she will deliver my baby.

Holding the paper made it feel real.
For a moment.
I haven't really imagined a new baby coming to live with us.
I haven't given it much thought- boy? girl?
But holding that paper- my mind began to wonder.

I walked to my car.
Turned the key.
And began my ride home.

And my mind began to write- to compose- words- ideas swirling in the air...
A new baby coming to live with us?
A boy a girl?
Wonder?

And in the background of my thoughts- I saw the backdrop of my life.
My life as a mother-
How I have tried to protect myself- shield myself- from the unknown...
or in my case- the known too well...

As my mind began to wander- it stopped- and listened.
For on the radio came some familiar notes.
From a familiar band.
A song I heard so many times-

The Lyrics:
She's so scared
So very frightened
Anything could happen
Right here tonight-
-Beautiful Girl (Stay with me)

And while I do not know if the baby growing inside of me is a boy or a girl-
the song spoke to me-

And I started thinking about him.
The reason I am so scared
So very frightened
Anything could happen
Right here tonight-
-Beautiful (Stay with me)

Stay with me...
It's what I wrote last year this month in my journal as I miscarried my baby

Stay with me...
It's what I secretly prayed in my mind when I saw the ultrasound- the absence of his heartbeat.

Stay with me...
It's what I begged as I held his lifeless body- kissed him-
begged him...
Stay with me!

And it's my prayer now.
And though these recent months have gone by-
And I haven't really imagined a new baby coming to live with us.
And I haven't given much thought- boy? girl?
Today as I heard those notes- my mind began to wander and wonder
and beg-
Stay with me...

(The Band: INXS- The Song: Beautiful Girl)

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Where it began... Two minutes-

September 15, 2003
Where it all began-

And today I thought about it... This time six years ago- I was different-
I was happy
I was me
I was whole

But in the matter of two minutes my life changed.
It changed forever-
I am happy
I am me
But I am no longer whole

At 10:35pm my life changed- I remember the dim room- the silence- the feeling of him being pulled from my body-
The silence.
And I was changed.
For with him, went a piece of me- never to return- never to be as it was- changed.

At 10:36pm my life changed- the same dim room- the silence- the feeling of him being pulled from my body-
The cries.
And I was changed.
For with him, went a piece of me- never to return- never to be as it was- changed.

One living- one dead- and yet both had such a role in my transformation.

Part of my heart died that day

Part of my heart exists outside of my body-
in the little boy
who lives in heaven
and in the little boy
who lives before my eyes.

Two minutes.
In one- I wanted to die- to go with him- for how could I live without him?
In another- I wanted to live- live for him- for how could I ever leave?

And so it began.
My journey.
My life as a mom of twins that no one ever saw.
My life of reflecting and writing and searching for my purpose- my meaning- my reason.
My life with part of my heart- gone- yet living outside of my body.

It began on September 15, 2003.
My life. A life worth living and sharing. A life that grew and aged and changed. A life that suddenly understood.

It is about lives- living them to the fullest and not letting a day go by where you don't learn and grow and change.
It is about taking a moment-
A moment to pause-
and think about what you DO have- even when your arms are empty- for they didn't leave you alone- while they took a piece of you- they left a piece too.
Peace.
Find it.
Pause-
Just for a moment...

On September 15th I changed.
I'm changing still.
And I welcome it.
For through the letters I've written in his journal- the words I've written here and the thoughts that have crossed my lips- I have changed.
And I am all the more blessed for it.

And yet I still wonder where that 'other' path would have led me on this day... six years later had he lived- close my eyes- I can almost see it...

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Raw

It's here.
I knew it would come-
I didn't know the circumstances-
or the details-
but it has come.

My scab has been ripped off-
Again back to that place-
So very very raw...

Not the moment I learned he was gone-
or when I kissed him goodbye-
No.

It was the middle of the night-
As I watched my new baby sleep-
My husband sleep-
that I realized....
He's gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Six years ago I sat in my hospital bed with my journal and pen in hand- writing- cursing- WHY?
And I find myself there now...
Back in that place-
That dark, dark place I thought I had left.
When was the last time my heart went there?

The place where you can't find your breath-
Your eyelashes glued together- unable to wipe away the tears that flow-
and flow-
and flow-
Will they stop????

The place where you can't talk- but you gasp-
gasp for your next breath-
before your next STOP!!!!!
before your next WHY?????????

I'm there.
I'm raw.

Twins.
Identical ones.
One seated next to my dear son.
One seated behind.

Where are you Andrew???
Why aren't you here???
WHY??

Where is my strength?
Where is my breath?
Where is my reason??

I'm lost.
I'm raw.
I'm broken...

I'm back there and I don't want to be.
Not yet.
Not now.
Not twins.

God why?
Why? Why? Why?

To see twin boys for me hurts. I smile and nod- but deep down it hurts.
I see two in strollers and I think... I didn't cry- I didn't hurt-
Acknowledgement-
Twin boys.
Fucking Twin Boys.

In his class-
at his table-

And so next week- when I am home from work- remembering- writing- crying- dreaming- and wishing- I will travel to his garden and I will write him- and thank him-
But right now I am so very angry with him...
Why didn't you stay?
How can I do this alone?
How can I walk into his classroom with cupcakes of celebration- with a broken heart and fake smile on my face while seeing two-
two-
What I should have had.

Oh dear God-
It's so raw again....
Please, please help me find my peace once more...
I know you will.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

He knows.

It's September and my heart is heavy.
Torn.
Just like it was 6 years ago.
10:35pm- My heart broke when I heard the silence
10:36pm- My heart grew when I heard the screams
Torn.

And last year-
September-
Our little spark disappeared.
Gone.
Torn again.

And I can feel it coming.
The heaviness of the dreams- the memories-
Torn.
September again.
And I can feel it coming.

Today in church my heart was heavy as I heard my husband strum his guitar leading the congregation in the song, "I can only imagine"- and I could feel my eyes swell at the thought. Of meeting my Savior. The one who helped me off the floor- so many, many times and wonder if I'd also see them- Standing at His side.
But I don't know.

The sermon- about heaven- and the pastor began-
"What is heaven like? No one really knows..."
To which my six year old son whispered with a smile, "My brother knows."

Six years he's lived without his twin.
He's so strong and he doesn't even know it.
It's all he's ever known.
So strong in his faith.
So strong in his assurance.
So secure in his peace.

Heaven?
He's right.
He knows.