Tuesday, October 20, 2009
They come faster now than before.
He was writing in his notebook. I was writing in mine.
I noticed him glance at me as I rubbed my belly- a belly swollen with a life of a baby to be delivered in just a few weeks.
He went back to his writing when it came-
"Why do babies die?"
I felt the air leave me and I caught myself wanting to say-
'Why would you ask such a thing? Babies don't die! This baby won't die! Don't worry!"
But I couldn't say it-
I know why he was asking-
and sometimes babies do die-
I don't know what tomorrow holds and while I don't want you to worry- how can I tell you not to when I can't stop the worry in my own mind...
There was a silence as I searched for the right thing to say to him.
"Why do you ask that?"
"Yes he did. And I don't know why God needed him when He did- but I do know that He wanted you here to be part of this family right here, right now- that he knew we needed you- and I know that this baby will join our family too Joe, I know it. Don't worry. It'll be o.k"
My answer seemed to be enough as he went back to drawing pumpkins and writing 'stories'. He doesn't dwell on his questions- or the anwers- but for me they linger-
It was the first time I felt that I was lying to him. At that time I didn't know about the baby I carried. I didn't know that it would all be o.k. but I wanted it to be and I didn't want him to worry- I didn't want him to ever worry about things like babies dying... I wanted to protect him- I want to protect all my children-
But this is what his reality is- our reality- and as much as we don't dwell on it, he knows.
He knows he had a brother.
He knows his brother died.
And he has questions.
As his questions come I try to answer them the best I can-
I try to shelter him the best I can-
Because the truth is for some questions, I don't have the answers-
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Thinking about them-
Wondering what in the world it was that they had done in the past that could possibly have brought them to this moment.
Wondering what in the world it was that they had done that allowed God to let this happen.
I wonder if they're wondering that tonight.
They seem to be recurring thoughts that moms to angels have.
There is no stopping the thoughts-
And still today- I am wondering
I am asking why...
I've written about my October 9ths lately.
The eve of October 9th.
What October 9th has meant to me.
What October 9th was to me this year.
But today I am thinking about their October 9th.
Charlie's October 9th.
His family's October 9th.
Sarah's nephew, Charlie, was born.
On October 9th.
Births are always so exciting to people like Sarah and me- to hold a baby who makes it!
-Because both of us have had children who have left us on the days they were born.
Births are blessings to people like Sarah and me- People who know that not all births have happy endings.
-Because both of us have had children we've had to say 'goodbye' to on days we thought we'd say 'hello'
Births can be happy and we've both had our angels smile from heaven as they have watched us welcome other babies into this world.
Charlie was born.
Charlie is alive.
And it looks as if Charlie will teach us more lessons- but not from this lifetime.
Charlie makes me think of Jet and other babies who have joined family members (children) already in heaven.
In this case, it appears that Charlie will be meeting his big cousin, Audrey.
In this case, it appears that this birthday will not have the happy ending we had hoped for and prayed for.
Why should one family have to suffer another infant loss?
Why should any of us have to suffer loss?
I will never know.
But I will be praying for Charlie's family. Tonight and on every October 9th. A day that once held hopes, and dreams for a little boy who it seems may, like his cousin, fly away too soon.
I hope you will join me.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Thank you for your encouraging comments.
Today was a wonderful day.
Today, as his siblings smiled from heaven, we welcomed into this world our last child,
"How happy I am! The women will call me happy." So she named him Asher.
And we are, so very, very happy.
With Gratitude and Love,
If you are interested in reading the details of Sean Asher's arrival into this world, please click on the link below.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Tomorrow I will meet the baby growing inside of me.
The baby I have been praying for.
The baby I have been dreaming of.
Today is the eve.
And the eves have always been safe.
I feel the movement.
I know it is o.k.
They were all o.k.
On the eve.
But today I cried.
Knowing that tomorrow my life will change.
How I was such a different person on that first eve.
So different than the woman I am now.
And while the transformation has been a process-
And the person I am now is one I am proud of- and that I love-
The transformation has been painful-
Today I cried.
Knowing that tomorrow my life will change.
And in so many ways I do not know what that change will be.
But I know that whatever that change will be- I will not be alone.
I've never been alone.
God has always been by my side- and has sent me His angels- and so many, many people who have been praying- holding me up- keeping me here.
Where I need to be.
But it's the eve.
And I cry for the unknown-
the what will be-
the peace that seems to be tested-
on my eves.
Tomorrow is October 9th.
95 years ago, my dear Grandpa Jonasen was born to this world.
34 years ago, his son left this world.
All on October 9th.
This day has been a day that has changed my family.
Sometimes growing hearts-
Sometimes breaking them-
Tomorrow our life will change again.
But today is the eve-
And through wet eyes, I will think and ponder all that is good-
all that is right-
and know that whatever will come.
I will be blessed.
Friday, October 2, 2009
What has helped you through out this new life the most. Is it your family? your faith? Support groups? A ritual? Music? Physical activity? A new interest? It could be anything. Tell us about how whatever it is has helped you.
If you told me that I would find it- or have it six years ago- or even perhaps five- I would have told you that you were crazy. My new life? Well- it wasn't what I had signed up for- what I wanted and somehow I found myself treading water- trying to find my way- survive with a broken heart- and for a time I was stuck.
Literally I was stuck- stuck in a place I didn't want to be anymore. I have an amazing family- an amazing network of friends- of support- and a faith that is so very strong- and still I was stuck. My writing helped me- but in the end I kept coming back to that place... The place where I felt so hollow and wanting to come out of it... but stuck.
What helped me most was the Secret Society- A group of amazing people that I met with each month at the hospital where I delivered- The hospital. The very place where my new life began. The name of this 'Secret Society' was/ is HUGS and you will still find me there- every third Thursday of the month, in Meagan's room. HUGS helped me in my new life. Helped me become 'unstuck' on the journey of my life.
Each month I met new people- mostly women- and it amazed me how different we were. We were so different in so many ways and yet we had this common bond- an unspoken understanding of each other that even our closest friends couldn't quite understand- not completely anyway. For we all knew what it was like to lose a child, to lose dreams, and to be 'stuck'. And whether I met them once- or talk to them still- they touched me- and I took something from their stories- from knowing them- from listening.
Each month these women comforted me, carried me and listened to me. They did not judge- they listened- and they shared- and in their sharing I was no longer alone in my new life. I had others. And I liked them. I longed to see them each month- to know them- because though our time together in Meagan's room was limited I felt that they knew me more than most. They understood me and my new life.
And now I can tell you that this group of women- amazing women- whom I have met through the blessings of lives that were never lived- have helped me heal. The friendship. The friendship is what helped me most. A true gift from God. And now it is no longer all about our angels. It is about us. Where we are. Who we are. Acceptance. Peace.
And now you may see us having meetings at coffee houses, restaurants or even our living rooms- because born out of grief has been an amazing bond of friendship. One I would guess will last a lifetime.
A support system like no other. Our secret society.