Sunday, April 7, 2013
Today is my wedding anniversary.
My husband and I went out to dinner.
We reminisced, laughed and talked about everything we could in the few hours we had with just the two of us... our spiritual beliefs, our kids, what we've gone through in our marriage and then we talked about him.
We talked about that night.
How I had such a strange peace about it.
That my baby was safe.
That it was the one time, I was absolutely sure.
God was there.
He didn't have that peace.
He had just sorrow.
I wondered aloud why that was. How two people so present in that moment could feel two totally different things.
He told me there will never be another moment in his life that will hurt like that did. In his words, The first cut is the deepest. He had that ache when E died, but it was just the opening or a scar that had already been there, one he'd come to know so very well.
I imagine that the waitress thought we were crazy, two people out for beer and nachos (nothing fancy for us), but with tears in our eyes. On the verge of breaking, but we know how to hold it in. How to put on a smile and change our emotions in an instant. We've been doing it for years... almost 10.
We've been through this.
We've been together 12 years now.
He grabbed my hand and told me that he felt those years.
That he's grown in those years.
And he has.
And we have.
I know marriages that have not survived the loss of a child.
I know marriages that are never the same after the loss of a child.
Ours was one of the latter.
It was hard at first for me.
I am a talker by nature. A thinker. A writer. Someone who needs to GET IT OUT!
He is quiet. Reflective. One who needs time. Space.
I remember wanting more. Wanting to hear how he ached. Wanting to hear how he missed him. Wanting to hear how he thought of him every day.
But I didn't.
But what I did get were quiet signs.
Lyrics he had written for a song he had penned.
A mention that he had stopped by his garden, "as usual."
And today... "You know I was thinking of him today..."
That's all I need.
That's what changed our marriage.
That is what made me fall deeper in love with him than I ever thought I could.
He loves our son.
He loves our children.
He loves me.
I asked him what made him think of Andrew and he couldn't quite place it... He was "just there". I didn't need him to go further. I understood. There are times I will be sitting there as he weaves his way into my thoughts, like a warm, familiar breeze.
Walking in his brother's shadow.
Sitting on his sister's laugh.
Present in that scar that is always there, but has become a reminder of what we are.
What we have.
I miss him.
We miss him.
But we thank him too.
For being there.