Wednesday, September 18, 2013

A Decade in Pictures


I remember when I first posted this picture on facebook a friend wrote, 
"You've made a lot of beautiful people, Laura.  PS. I can see the others in the sky."

Wow.
She saw them.

I was recently going through pictures to make a video for Joey (Andrew's surviving twin) and these pictures stood out to me.
I made this for my first son.
Do you see him?



Sunday, September 15, 2013

Today


How my Today went~
My Journal Entry from the Garden

9-15-13

Dearest Andrew,

Ten years!  A decade since I've spoken your name.  I'm here in your garden.  I'd wondered how today would go as your garden has changed and of course (also) because we have now been separated a decade...

Or have we been separated?

I know you hear these words as plainly as those that leave my lips or grace my heart.  I have always had an intense closeness to you... the boy who grew me.  The one who was above every moment as we laughed and cried.  Last night was so peaceful for me.  As was this morning.
Joey actually came to me this morning and climbed into my arms.

A decade.

How I love your brother.  I know he doesn't know my thoughts and feelings like you do, but that little boy... He's been my reason~ for a decade.

Your dad woke me today.  He brushed my lips and said, "Thank you for my babies... For all of them." It's hard for him too~ missing you, but so happy for our Joe.  He says he'll be with him now and with you later.

When I got to your garden, I first looked at the Mother Tree.  The trinkets are all on it again but are so faded.  I have no idea which are yours.  I had placed them all together in that same familiar spot.  How it pained me so.

And then I saw it...
Charms!

Riley's mom had made them and hung them.  "Andrew" and "E" Charms that will hang for many more years- that won't fade.  That's when my tears first fell.  I thought of them~ All your friends.  Their mothers.  I have been given such a gift of their friendship.  I wonder if they know what they all mean to me.

Then I went to E's brick.  5!?!  Can you believe it?  Gosh, I miss my spark.  I wrote her a message and watched as it sailed to the heavens on its pink balloon.  Tears Andrew.  So many.  I'm sometimes surprised my body is still able to make them after the countless amount that have fallen.

And then you.  I crawled to your brick and wrote some wishes to you.  I was crying so full~ lying there flat on my stomach.  Head on your name.  Kissing your brick and wishing that for a moment I could see you.  Just for a moment and take you in my arms, properly.  

I lit your candles and watched.  My voice didn't come this year~ but I know you hear my thoughts.

Next I visited Brooke.  Peek in on Lynn and the family~ They're going through so much.  I talked with her.  Wrote her and sent her an early birthday greeting.  I know her mom will be sharing these feelings next week.  I've been so blessed to have her on this journey.

Then I came back to you and your ten balloons.  I wrote a number on each one and watched as I cut them (one at a time) and released them to the grey skies.
With each cut~ I remembered...
1- Your memorial at U of M.  Ali in my belly.
2- So much harder than I thought it would be.
3-The age E was when she visited my dreams.
4- Sean's age.  I could picture you so easily at 4.
5- You would have gone to kindergarten.
6- You would have
7- You would have
8- You would have
9- You would have

I didn't write on that last balloon like I had wanted to.  I watched as it broke free from where it was tied.  "NO!" I said aloud. 
And then quietly, a mere whisper, "It left too soon."

And as I sat back all those years fell away from me and around me and went up.  A sweet release.  

It was too soon.

But I guess I really was ready.

You've prepared me.  Putting this pen in my hand.  These thoughts on my heart and this assurance in my bones that you will always BE.

Waiting for me.

I love you sweet boy.  Happy 10th in heaven.

See you next year.  Same place.  Same time.

Love Always & Forever,
Mom





Saturday, September 14, 2013

Tomorrow


Tomorrow.
Wow.
Tomorrow will be my 10th September 15th.
MY tenth birthday.

I say that because I was born that day.
The me I am today.
It was the day the life I knew ended forever and 
My new life began.
A richer life.
A fuller life.
A blessed life.

A life with deeper cuts.
but purer joy.
A life with harder roads
but richer colors.

I know this.

I was just spending time with the night sky.
That sky I have spent so many hours talking to.
He's out there.
He sees me.
He's watched my transformation.

Tomorrow the boys I made will be ten.
And so will the mom they made.
Praying the peace I feel now, will last through tonight.
Follow me.
Goodnight, My Love.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

The Spark


Who would have thought I'd remember that spark?
Do others?
"Everyone" has them...
Or so they say.

"You'll forget," they said.
But how could I?

She was the only one who visited me in my dreams.  Was she 3? 4?  I remember seeing those blond pigtails as she bounced away~ wishing somehow I could will her to come closer. Turn around again.  Just a few more moments. I can close my eyes and see her outline.

We didn't have any moments.  
It wasn't like Andrew where I held him and waited and chose when I needed to say goodbye.
That "forever" goodbye.

I remember 5 years ago like it was yesterday.
I knew it was going to be a girl.  
Absolutely certain.  Just like I was with her sister.
She had come so easily.

But she didn't stay.
Five years ago I was at school.
Teaching third graders who hardly knew what was happening to their teacher.
How did I make it that day?
A blur.
A fuzzy, hazy blur.

I didn't even make it home.
Stopped at my parents' house because it was closer.
I remember the pain.
The physical, horrible, indescribable pain.
The blood.
Just writing that word steals my breath.
Blood.
There was just so much.

Looking back, I think I knew she was gone 
but still I held on.
Isn't that what we do sometimes?
When our life becomes a nightmare... 
We just close our eyes and tell ourselves to wake up.
Just a dream.
It will be OK.
But it wasn't.

And Jeff.
The look on his face.
Watching him collapse.
He wanted her too.
We both wanted her.

But she was just a spark and 13 months later we had him.
That funny little (almost 4 year old) boy sleeping dreamily in his bed.

Is that what happens?
We remember those sparks but when someone new is there, they go out?

No.
I can't.

Five years baby girl. 
Come see me again.
I haven't forgotten.
I never will.

~E~