Hug

My Joey on the right with my best friend's rainbow.

It still happens.

There are still moments when I hold my breath-

close my eyes-

and can't believe I've come this far.

Jonasen is now 13. He's taller than I am and his voice has deepened.

He's still soft-spoken.

Reflective.

Thoughtful.

He's still a child that seems to find me when I need him~

Just like his brother.

I remember that moment when he was not even a year old~

Andrew's ashes had arrived and when I got them I crumbled.

Sank to the floor.

So deep in my grief and cries that I didn't think I could get out~

But there he was-

He had heard me- 

Crawled over to me- 

His head on me as I cried.

I remember gathering him in my arms-

my lifeline.

Tonight I was thinking of Andrew as I often do.

No longer in that deep grief but a quiet wondering.

I was thinking of him.

And also of his brother Joe-

My twins.

Thinking of how proud I am of Joe and I have to think his brother must be too.

I was just standing there in the kitchen.

Thinking.

Joe came to me (as he sometimes does)

with that single word, (he sometimes says)

"Hug."

And took me in his arms~

my head now resting on his shoulder.

There are still moments when I hold my breath-

Close my eyes-

and can't believe I've come this far.

But I have.

We have.