Monday, March 2, 2009

Baby E.

It's March.
Six months ago I had your heartbeat keeping time with mine. Six months ago my heart broke again when that heartbeat stopped. I fold my hands upon my stomach and it hurts me that it isn't swollen with your life, that you aren't stretching and growing inside of me, that we're not picking names. It hurts me that I never saw you, that I never got to say goodbye.

I was naive to miscarriage. I felt I had done my time. Losing your oldest brother at 39 weeks was enough. Looking at him, holding him, kissing him goodbye. That should have been enough. But it wasn't.

I was naive then. My first pregnancy- two babies growing inside of me. They called them baby A and baby B. I remember wondering who they would be- dreaming of them- imagining our lives together- our lives as a family. But my dreams didn't come true. Baby A left us. Baby A left us, but Baby B stayed.

Fifteen months later Sweet C was born. And while I feared losing another baby, I didn't. And then Baby D came and my fears were a little less. And then there was you, Baby E.

Baby E.
Baby E who came the moment we tried. Baby E who would be the finale', the end. Four children at home. A spring babe- Due in March. How I loved you from that moment I knew you were coming.

But from the beginning it was different. I wasn't as sick with you as I was with the others. But I went in and saw your heartbeat- that beautiful lively spark that cemented in my mind that this was happening- this wasn't a dream and that everything was o.k.

But it was different. A week later, I started to spot with you and I hadn't with the others. But I went in and saw your heartbeat- that beautiful lively spark that cemented again in my mind that this was happening- this wasn't a dream and everything was o.k.

But it was different. Something was different. I still was spotting but once again I went in and saw your heartbeat- that beautiful spark that cemented again in my mind that this was happening- it wasn't a dream and everything was o.k.

But it was different. On that September day I began to hurt, I cramped and I did feel sick- and I hadn't with the others. Suddenly I was doubled over with pain and for hours I talked to you. I begged you to stay. I begged you to hold on. I begged you not to leave.

But there was so much blood. So much pain. So much worry. But I saw you. Saw your heartbeat. I closed my eyes and I saw you nestled so safe inside me. Safe from the trauma. I tried so hard to keep you safe!

The pain began to fade and I talked to you. I prayed that I would see you that next day. Again see your heartbeat- that beautiful spark that would cement again in my mind that this was happening- it wasn't a dream and everything was o.k.

Were you there?

And then we saw the screen . And that beautiful spark- was gone. You were gone. You left. Another baby. Gone.

And it hurt so much. It hurt when you left. It hurt me and it hurt daddy. It changed us again. Another baby. Another loss.

But you were different. We didn't see you. We didn't hold you. But we did love you.
We didn't kiss you and we didn't name you. But we did love you.
We did dream.

Others were different too. You were "just a miscarriage." Everyone has them. They are so common. After the surgery, I'd feel better.

But I didn't. And I wish they would have seen you through my eyes. That they would have seen you as a child that would come home. That would live with us. That we would hold you and love you.
I wish they would have seen that.
I wish they would have seen you.
I wish I would have seen you.

But they didn't. And I didn't.

And now it's March.
And you're still gone.
And I still wish you weren't.

I imagine you and our Baby A together. I think of him holding you and kissing you and telling you our story. Telling you about our love since you had such a short time to experience it. Such a short time.

I love you so much. You are part of us. Our baby E.

If you want to know more about the day we said goodbye, click here.

18 comments:

  1. Oh Laura...... I am so sad for you. I know this month will be a hard one for you. Thinking of you

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  2. Hi Laura...your words really moved me...thanks for helping me to better understand a sad, sad phenomenon...hugs and smiles and all my warmest thoughts.

    Courtney

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  3. laura, once again, you amaze me, such beautiful thoughts and feelings....you said that you wished that others could have seen Baby E through your eyes....i want you to know that you sharing your loving words and feelings with us allows us to do just that....see your angels through your eyes.....love you <3

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  4. Thinking about you Laura and A-E...they are all lucky to call you Mom from heaven and here on earth. Big hugs...Sarah

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  5. I'm so moved by this, and am feeling such love for the Bucki Boys and Caroline's twin -- what could have been -- and for you, my friend. Thank you for saying what I feel.

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  6. im sorry for your losses hun i really am, when i speak to another angel mum all i want to say is i know what you are going through, though i sit and think noi dont know what you are going through, i wish i could take your pain away for you, your baby A and E are up in heaven with Bryce looking down oer us, i wonder what fun they will be having

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  7. Thank you. My 5th baby to slip away from us did - a little over two weeks ago. He was born too early only a feotus they told me and took him away. But he was perfect so very beautiful completly formed. He would have fitted across the palm of my hand with his little legs tucked up into his tummy. (So human so perfect) They took him away before his Daddy got to see him. So he never met his little son. I so understand you saying I wish they saw him as you did. He was our baby, our hopes, our dreams, our child and they just took him away from us deniying his short life even existed. Thank you for your blog thank you for sharing, and my prayers are with your new little dream. XX jj

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  8. Thank you for sharing this. It's so hard no matter what type of loss we have. To us, it is a child, even though others just say "oh, it's only a miscarriage." I'm so sorry you've had to go through this more than once.

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  9. (((Laura)))

    I'm so sorry about Baby E. I didn't know. But I do know the sorrow of miscarriage and the pain of other dismissing that child. A full sized soul, I always say, a connection so deep with you that others cannot comprehend. A connection we cannot even always understand ourselves even when we want to feel and believe, "it's just a miscarriage"...anything to relieve the pain.

    Hugs!
    Suzanne

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  10. I am just reading back through your posts and I am so sad to see that you lost a second baby. I hadn't realised before now.

    My heart goes out to you, this must be such a heartbreaker for you.

    I hope you can find some ways to mark and remember this baby, I guess it is harder with a miscarriage because you have less to remember. When my wife or I sign anything meaningful (card, letter, email) we sign off with four xxxx - one for each of us in the family including our daughter who died.

    Anyway, peace and healing to you

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  11. Once again...your words speak volumes! Peace and comfort to you and your family. Your posts will continue to enlighten others of what it means to have gone through the losses of your little ones.

    Blessings & Aloha!

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  12. Once again...your words speak volumes! Peace and comfort to you and your family. Your posts will continue to enlighten others of what it means to have gone through the losses of your little ones.

    Blessings & Aloha!

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  13. Thank you for sharing this. It's so hard no matter what type of loss we have. To us, it is a child, even though others just say "oh, it's only a miscarriage." I'm so sorry you've had to go through this more than once.

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  14. im sorry for your losses hun i really am, when i speak to another angel mum all i want to say is i know what you are going through, though i sit and think noi dont know what you are going through, i wish i could take your pain away for you, your baby A and E are up in heaven with Bryce looking down oer us, i wonder what fun they will be having

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  15. Thinking about you Laura and A-E...they are all lucky to call you Mom from heaven and here on earth. Big hugs...Sarah

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  16. Hi Laura...your words really moved me...thanks for helping me to better understand a sad, sad phenomenon...hugs and smiles and all my warmest thoughts.

    Courtney

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  17. As I read this I cried. I have suffered 4 miscarriages and the words you found to describe how you felt are perfect. I have never been able to find words that fit my emotions so perfect. How no one else seen them as babies I would carry and give birth too, babies I would bring home and nurse, and nourish as they grew. Much love to you!

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  18. It is really broken heart
    Me too
    Lost my only daughter 2011 till now I live with her
    Memories. Our home is cold silent 24 hours no kids
    Every corner of the home scream but without sound
    Broken heart but outdoors smiles and happy but inner destroy me every moment God bless u.

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