Our Story

It is amazing sometimes.
The friends that I have made simply because he's not here.
Friends that stretch cities, states, and even countries.
All because of his story- our story.


Holly, an amazing mom I 'met' from Caring for Carleigh, emailed me these pictures. Such a simple gesture, but one that took time, took thought, took effort.

I've been thinking about it. How if it weren't for Andrew's story, for Baby E's story, for Carleigh's story and countless others- I would have no idea. No idea of the community that is out there- waiting in the shadows- one that no one knows about- has ever heard of- until you need them- until you become one of them.

So many stories-
Like the leaves in these piles- all with names- details- stories.

I've spoken of the 'secret society' on here, of the many (mostly) women that I've met. Stories that I've heard. And I've wept for them. Thinking about how horrible it must have been to have lost their child- their children.

And though I've lost a child.
I've lost children.
Their story isn't mine.
I can only imagine.

I've had people tell me that they can't imagine. It must have been so hard to go 39 weeks and had to say goodbye. To have carried so long...

And I would tell them- I can't imagine. It must have been so hard to lose a baby you could fit in the palm of your hand. A perfectly formed, but tiny babe. To not have had more time...
I can't imagine.

Because it isn't my story.

We would unpack our stories at meetings. Those hard details- the pain- the tears-
We'd unpack them all.

But in the end if we could choose- we'd take our story back. Each of us. We've talked about it- because in the end it is our story- our children- who have led us to this point- made us who we are.

I choose him.
A 6 pound 11 oz boy.
I choose him.
His eyes closed- I never did get to see them.
I choose him.
And those little fingers that seemed to wrap around mine.
I choose him.
And the little spark- full of hopes and dreams- that just left one day- for reasons unknown.
I choose them.

It's my story.
One of millions-
Like a single leaf in the forest
A grain of sand on the beach
A lone star in a brilliant night's sky

And yet I'd find him again
and again
and choose him.
Choose them.

Our story.

The Secret Garden Meeting

The Secret Garden Meeting is a wonderful blog for women who have lost children. It asks them about their experiences and then allows them to post and read about one another's experience. This is my experience- October.

So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in
your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are
you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any
peace at all?

It has been such a long journey, but I can say it now-
It has been the greatest gift-

Full.
For the first time ever, I am full.

It has been six years since I began my journey.
Six years ago I became a mother.
Six years ago I became so much more.

I never dreamed that I would lose a child.
I never dreamed that one could have such a healthy, happy, uneventful pregnancy-
one could get so close-
so very very close-
and yet miss.

Hours-
Mere hours-
but we missed him-
and he left.

I never dreamed I'd feel full. I had one baby but it wasn't enough. When I was pregnant I was expecting babies not a (one) baby. And so I needed to have that feeling again- to be pregnant- to have 'babies'.
And I did.

And I thought it would make me full.
But I wasn't full.
And we added to our family.
And we added to our family.
And I remember talking about it... Were we trying to fill a void that could never be filled. Would we just keep adding to our family in hopes that one day we wouldn't miss him anymore? Would we keep going and never feel 'full'.

But it wasn't my living children who made me full.

I began to see-
By a little boy that I talk to all the time.
By a little boy who has journals all filled with letters that he'll never read- but I think he hears.
By a little boy who gets the kisses I blow each night.
By a little boy who has watched and smiled as his mom grew- and forgave- and healed-
and loved
again.

And my heart has grown, and grown, and grown and grown-
And though there are two pieces gone-
I am full-
I am done-
I am at peace-

Peace is something I thought would never really be part of my story and yet I had glimpses of it- little tastes-
Peace came when I first laughed again
(and didn't feel bad about it-)
Peace came when I chose to live
(and not feel bad about it-)
Peace came when I could take in a deep breath of the crisp fall air
(and be thankful)
Thankful that he was sent to me- even though he flew away too soon.

He was my son.
He is remembered
And I will meet him again.

Full and at peace.
It took a long time.
The greatest gift I've ever received-
And the greatest gifts are not to be kept, but to be shared.
I wish you peace- that one day you would feel it too.
When you're ready-
Full.

Questions.

At six his questions are coming.
They come faster now than before.

He was writing in his notebook. I was writing in mine.
I noticed him glance at me as I rubbed my belly- a belly swollen with a life of a baby to be delivered in just a few weeks.
He went back to his writing when it came-

"Why do babies die?"
I felt the air leave me and I caught myself wanting to say-
'Why would you ask such a thing? Babies don't die! This baby won't die! Don't worry!"

But I couldn't say it-

I know why he was asking-
and sometimes babies do die-
I don't know what tomorrow holds and while I don't want you to worry- how can I tell you not to when I can't stop the worry in my own mind...

There was a silence as I searched for the right thing to say to him.

"Why do you ask that?"

"Andrew died."

"Yes he did. And I don't know why God needed him when He did- but I do know that He wanted you here to be part of this family right here, right now- that he knew we needed you- and I know that this baby will join our family too Joe, I know it. Don't worry. It'll be o.k"

My answer seemed to be enough as he went back to drawing pumpkins and writing 'stories'. He doesn't dwell on his questions- or the anwers- but for me they linger-

It was the first time I felt that I was lying to him. At that time I didn't know about the baby I carried. I didn't know that it would all be o.k. but I wanted it to be and I didn't want him to worry- I didn't want him to ever worry about things like babies dying... I wanted to protect him- I want to protect all my children-

But this is what his reality is- our reality- and as much as we don't dwell on it, he knows.
He knows he had a brother.
He knows his brother died.
And he has questions.

As his questions come I try to answer them the best I can-
I try to shelter him the best I can-

Because the truth is for some questions, I don't have the answers-

Charlie

I remember sitting in meetings where moms of angels would be reviewing their lives-
Thinking about them-
Examining them-
Wondering what in the world it was that they had done in the past that could possibly have brought them to this moment.
This heartache-
This brokenness-

Wondering what in the world it was that they had done that allowed God to let this happen.

I wonder if they're wondering that tonight.

The wonderings-
The whys-
They seem to be recurring thoughts that moms to angels have.
There is no stopping the thoughts-

And still today- I am wondering
I am asking why...

I've written about my October 9ths lately.
The eve of October 9th.
What October 9th has meant to me.
What October 9th was to me this year.

But today I am thinking about their October 9th.
Charlie's October 9th.
His family's October 9th.

Sarah's nephew, Charlie, was born.
On October 9th.

Births are always so exciting to people like Sarah and me- to hold a baby who makes it!
-Because both of us have had children who have left us on the days they were born.

Births are blessings to people like Sarah and me- People who know that not all births have happy endings.
-Because both of us have had children we've had to say 'goodbye' to on days we thought we'd say 'hello'

Births can be happy and we've both had our angels smile from heaven as they have watched us welcome other babies into this world.

Charlie was born.
Charlie is alive.
And it looks as if Charlie will teach us more lessons- but not from this lifetime.

Charlie makes me think of Jet and other babies who have joined family members (children) already in heaven.

In this case, it appears that Charlie will be meeting his big cousin, Audrey.
In this case, it appears that this birthday will not have the happy ending we had hoped for and prayed for.

Why?
Why should one family have to suffer another infant loss?
Why should any of us have to suffer loss?

I will never know.
But I will be praying for Charlie's family. Tonight and on every October 9th. A day that once held hopes, and dreams for a little boy who it seems may, like his cousin, fly away too soon.
I hope you will join me.

We have been blessed!

I must thank everyone for their outpouring of support, and love.
Thank you for your encouraging comments.
Today was a wonderful day.
Today, as his siblings smiled from heaven, we welcomed into this world our last child,
Sean Asher.

Genesis 30:13
"How happy I am! The women will call me happy." So she named him Asher.

And we are, so very, very happy.
With Gratitude and Love,
Laura

If you are interested in reading the details of Sean Asher's arrival into this world, please click on the link below.
http://dorandays.blogspot.com/2009/10/its-boy.html

The Eve

Tomorrow.
Tomorrow I will meet the baby growing inside of me.
The baby I have been praying for.
The baby I have been dreaming of.
Singing to.
Pleading with.
Tomorrow.

Today is the eve.
And the eves have always been safe.
I feel the movement.
I know it is o.k.
They were all o.k.
On the eve.

But today I cried.
Knowing that tomorrow my life will change.
How I was such a different person on that first eve.
So different than the woman I am now.
And while the transformation has been a process-
And the person I am now is one I am proud of- and that I love-
The transformation has been painful-
Scary-

Today I cried.
Knowing that tomorrow my life will change.
And in so many ways I do not know what that change will be.
Boy? Girl?
Full? Broken?

But I know that whatever that change will be- I will not be alone.
I've never been alone.
God has always been by my side- and has sent me His angels- and so many, many people who have been praying- holding me up- keeping me here.
Where I need to be.

But it's the eve.
And I cry for the unknown-
the what will be-
the peace that seems to be tested-
on my eves.

Tomorrow is October 9th.

95 years ago, my dear Grandpa Jonasen was born to this world.
34 years ago, his son left this world.
All on October 9th.

This day has been a day that has changed my family.
Sometimes growing hearts-
Sometimes breaking them-

Tomorrow our life will change again.

But today is the eve-
And through wet eyes, I will think and ponder all that is good-
all that is right-
and know that whatever will come.
I will be blessed.

The Secret Garden Meeting

The Secret Garden Meeting is a wonderful blog for women who have lost children. It asks them about their experiences and then allows them to post and read about one another's experience. This is my experience- September.

What has helped you through out this new life the most. Is it your family? your faith? Support groups? A ritual? Music? Physical activity? A new interest? It could be anything. Tell us about how whatever it is has helped you.

Peace.

If you told me that I would find it- or have it six years ago- or even perhaps five- I would have told you that you were crazy. My new life? Well- it wasn't what I had signed up for- what I wanted and somehow I found myself treading water- trying to find my way- survive with a broken heart- and for a time I was stuck.

Literally I was stuck- stuck in a place I didn't want to be anymore. I have an amazing family- an amazing network of friends- of support- and a faith that is so very strong- and still I was stuck. My writing helped me- but in the end I kept coming back to that place... The place where I felt so hollow and wanting to come out of it... but stuck.

What helped me most was the Secret Society- A group of amazing people that I met with each month at the hospital where I delivered- The hospital. The very place where my new life began. The name of this 'Secret Society' was/ is HUGS and you will still find me there- every third Thursday of the month, in Meagan's room. HUGS helped me in my new life. Helped me become 'unstuck' on the journey of my life.

Each month I met new people- mostly women- and it amazed me how different we were. We were so different in so many ways and yet we had this common bond- an unspoken understanding of each other that even our closest friends couldn't quite understand- not completely anyway. For we all knew what it was like to lose a child, to lose dreams, and to be 'stuck'. And whether I met them once- or talk to them still- they touched me- and I took something from their stories- from knowing them- from listening.

Each month these women comforted me, carried me and listened to me. They did not judge- they listened- and they shared- and in their sharing I was no longer alone in my new life. I had others. And I liked them. I longed to see them each month- to know them- because though our time together in Meagan's room was limited I felt that they knew me more than most. They understood me and my new life.

And now I can tell you that this group of women- amazing women- whom I have met through the blessings of lives that were never lived- have helped me heal. The friendship. The friendship is what helped me most. A true gift from God. And now it is no longer all about our angels. It is about us. Where we are. Who we are. Acceptance. Peace.

And now you may see us having meetings at coffee houses, restaurants or even our living rooms- because born out of grief has been an amazing bond of friendship. One I would guess will last a lifetime.

A support system like no other. Our secret society.

http://momentsofpause.blogspot.com/2009/01/secret-society.html