Because writing makes me feel better~ Jennie

My tattoo in my Nana's shorthand...
"Sometimes they fly away too soon."

Dear Jennie,

It feels strange writing this to you like this, but then you know that's my way- writing letters has always helped me process and while I sure did tell you a lot about my inner thoughts (and you told me a lot about yours), I wish we would have had time for more.

I will never forget when we met. We got this new teacher at LLE (shorter than I was! haha). You were setting up your new first grade classroom. I met your husband, son (around my son's age), and little daughter with that cute little pacifier always in her mouth! Even all these years later I feel like I'll flashback to that memory. You were definitely on the quiet side but a nut I wanted to crack. 

I remember thinking- she doesn't like me. Her words are saying one thing but here face and body language are saying another and I did something I had never done before and I have never done since... I kind of called you out on it. The crazy thing was~ as soon as I did that we became fast friends and confidants. I'm still a bit in awe with how that happened.

I honestly don't remember too much of our years teaching together, partly because as you know I have the WORST memory on the planet (unlike you) and I feel like our friendship really grew after you left. When you left, our daily small talks became text messages and check-ins. I loved being the person that you could share what you were really thinking about things and that you could be mine (ok- I admit- the not always nice things and I loved laughing about that stuff with you!). I remember when you texted me that something may be wrong and that there would be testing. That you were worried. That your mom died too young. And I remember when you learned on Valentine's Day 3 years ago that you had pancreatic cancer.

To be honest, I didn't know ANYTHING about that type of cancer- you knew I knew about the cancers Jim and Christie had but I didn't know about yours. But dang- when you told me I didn't quite know what to say- but that if anyone could beat it- it would be you.

My gosh you fought and fought hard. I loved our walk and talks and didn't mind one iota stopping when you needed to. I loved our lunch dates. But most of all I loved our daily text messages. I didn't tell you this, but I had a timer on my phone that went off at 12:55 every day (when my kids finally went to lunch) so I would never forget to check in and get my daily update from you. I'm a bit embarassed about that but hey- I'm the girl that had a reminder on her phone to hug her kids on the daily and the fact is those alarms made me get the job done. 

I remember in recent weeks when you told me that you may just need to give a heart to my messages but that you read every one and loved them and to keep them up. I remember when I shared my "window routine"- (opening my window and talking to God, Andew, and other loved ones in heaven- sharing the things and people that were on my heart- and that YOU were always the first person I talked about). I remember when I told you that the camp idea that you brought to my classroom would FOREVER be named after YOU and how you got a little misty eyed when I told you that. That Camp Ashley would be way better- than "Camp Pickles" that the kids always seemed to want to do because- ok. I like pickles... I told you that as long as I was living (and teaching) my kids would know YOU and your story.

I miss you Jennie. I miss every amazing miracle BIG and small those last years. I miss the hope we had. I miss you.

I remember when you had made peace that it was going to happen and when I shared that my new prayers out the window shifted- to your peace- to your comfort- to your husband and children. I remember when you told me you were were sleeping oh so much and that you couldn't keep your eyes open. I told you that I prayed for you to have happy dreams- with your mom and maybe my Andrew. I told you I bet they were excited to see you but that I sure hope you didn't go just yet- but that I knew you'd know your time- people seem to. 

I remember when you wrote me back:

"And clearly you prayed for dreams because 1. I never dream and 2. I had a crazy but happy dream with so many I love in it, even my Mom which is rarer than rare, like maybe 3x in 20 yrs!"

I remember YOUR concern about my dumb surgery- and your check-ins and I thought (and said) you don't need to worry one bit about me. But you loved me too and that's who YOU were.

I remember when I texted I loved you and that I hoped the day was "decent" (what was good anymore?) and you texted me back, "Today was decent." with that purple heart and I was so so so happy.

I remember how in awe I was that you were making all of your kids' things- taking these amazing bucket list vacations- and recording it all. You were superwoman!

I remember how worried you were about Paige. About Emerson.. And how you loved that every time he even walked by a room you were in he had to come in and give you a squeeze.

And I remember your love for Ryan and how in awe you were of all the things he did for you and my smile and laughter when you told me how he put that bed in the back of the trunk so that you could sleep if you needed to rest on the drives from treatments. How you would both laugh at what passers-by would think as they they saw some big guy helping this tiny, gray-haired lady into the trunk of a car. (By the way- you rocked that gray when your hair came back- seriously- though you knew I was always of fan of that color on anyone- you looked awesome!)

And I remembered texting you and not getting that heart. Again. And again.

I remember seeing Ryan's text.

I remember my phone ringing during our Class Valentine Party.

I remember thinking- you left. You picked a good day- Valentine's was already shitty since it was the day you got your diagnosis- it was the perfect day to go tell your mom all the wonderful things about the last 21 years! 

I remember thinking of that hug. The Reunion.

You died that afternoon.

And I remembered you writing once how you never liked to sleep in the afternoon because you read somewhere that most people die in the afternoon. I thought- you changed your mind. You were ready. You fought so hard and lived so much longer than anyone thought. I was not surprised.

I will remember how this week when asked to do a livestream of your funeral I was secretly panicked but would 100% do it because you would do it for me! And how I spent HOURS figuring it out and swearing and sweating and talking to you that you better help me not blow this!!!

I will remember secretly thinking that I was glad I was a little sick (ok- maybe not a little) and that I had to wear a mask and sit quiet and alone in a corner which was pretty sweet because no one really saw my ugly cry.

I will remember seeing you in that casket with your Dr. Pepper (not diet like me) and talking to you in my head like I do our that window. With tears streaming down my face like they sometimes do and how thankful I was that everyone in the room was behind us and that it was a moment just for us. 

I will remember thanking you for being my friend. For confiding in me. For loving me. For saying all those years ago, "No no Laura! I'm totally down- I'm just sometimes quiet." A great friendship was born-We weren't quiet anymore, were we.

I will miss texting you and my alarm going off. I know if I see 12:55, or a Dr. Pepper, Jimmy Johns, someone with jet-black hair and the deepest blue eyes, or (of course) the color purple, I'll think of you.

I'll think of you.

I love you, Jennie.

I miss you.

Say hi to Andrew for me and I'll see you later.

All my love,

Laura

Ps. Your mom went to heaven exactly one week before my Andrew- how did we not make that connection! And I love that you, my Grandpa Jonasen, and son Sean all had the same birthday.