Sunday, February 12, 2012

A walk of faith (different shoes)

I've been thinking.

I've cried the last two Sundays in church while singing. Because I've been thinking of him... missing him...

When I hear from readers of this blog, it is usually for questions of faith. I know that those questions and emails are because people want to believe. They want it to be OK, but they just don't know how. The pain is too binding. The grief is too great.

I realize that my walk in faith has been in different shoes than most~ shoes I would have rather not put on. A nurse friend commented on it just last month. She would never forget meeting me. How she recalled me saying how blessed we were on those days that September... And knowing that I meant it. Different shoes.

The one thing I have always been certain of is that when I have talked, God has listened. That sounds incredibly self centered and perhaps it is. He heard me when I told all those that came into that room that we were blessed (and I meant it). He heard me as I screamed at him in the shower, cursing Him as the water washed away my tears (and I meant it). He heard me as I begged him for release. He heard me when I was silent. He has heard it all.

He hears me still.

He hears me share the story of Andrew. The boy that He gave me once upon a time that lives in the heavens. He hears me share the story of Andrew and how Andrew brought me closer to Him~ to a God that I thought I was close with... but it wasn't until I stripped down the wall and let Him in to see the entire me~ the broken me~ that I actually got it. Oh yes my babies are safe. Oh yes they are in heaven. Oh YES! And yes. One day I will join them.

Andrew has opened doors for me to share my faith. To let people know that I have felt hell. I have felt that absence and brokenness~ a physical pain~ a suffocating pain. But I too have felt the exhale. I have sat still, eyes closed~ and felt it cover me. Embrace me. A love like no other. A peace like no other. Once upon a time I prayed that my children would "Populate Heaven" now I thank God for answering that prayer with a "Yes!".

You've done that.
You've given me reason to share the story of God each time I say your name. To let them know that it can happen. They can find peace again. They can find peace again and then they too can share it. Share it with the world.

There are days it seems too big for me. Too enormous for words. And that is when I am still and let Him shine. For without Him I am nothing.

Like every woman who has a child I knew what a miracle it was. Ah~ when I became a mom. When I looked at him. When I looked at that beautiful baby and knew somehow in my soul that it was going to be OK.
I would be OK.
It was OK.
He was OK.

But still I think of him so often. I wonder if he thinks of me. I wonder if he knows how I share his story. I wonder if it makes him smile, like he makes me smile~ even through my tears.

But still I think of Him so often. I know He thinks of me. I know He hears me share His story. I think it makes Him smile~ perhaps through His own tears.

Thank you for the gift.
May it find you.