Thursday, September 1, 2016

Because of Andrew

I have lived 13 years without Andrew.
But I have lived 13 years WITH Andrew.

I've yelled at him.
I've screamed at him.
I'm whispered for him.
I've talked to him.
I've loved him.
I've held him here~ just below the skin~ where no one can see 
but I can't forget.

The odd thing about losing a child is- you don't really lose them- they are there~ always~
13 years and I don't talk about Andrew as much as I used to.
Sure~ he comes up occasionally in our house (more than you'd think).
I still attend monthly support group meetings.
I still think of him EVERY day
though I don't always tell everyone about him (like I used to).

But today marks the first day of September.
It's a time I remember him and celebrate him and the friendships he's brought me~
The COUNTLESS lessons he's taught me.
I have lived 13 years without him AND with him. 
I am me
Because of Andrew.

Because of Andrew, I am kinder.
Because of Andrew, I am more patient.
Because of Andrew, I am more forgiving.
Because of Andrew, I am more empathetic.
Because of Andrew, I am more loving.
Because of Andrew, I am more faithful.
Because of Andrew, I am happy.
Because Andrew is part of my story. 
He is my first born son. 
He is the one I find myself talking to in the night. 
The one I have sometimes yelled at, screamed at, whispered to but
And I always will. 

We are all changed by people who come into our lives.
Our family. Our teachers. Our friends.
But what you may not know is you can be changed by someone who never lived.
Maybe today you can be changed by MY son and HIS story.
Maybe today you can think about those little blessings in life that we so often take for granted~
A smile. A compliment. A kind act.
Pause and think about them because of Andrew.

When I didn't think I could make it through the day~ those moments where Andrew was right there under every. single. thought~ it was often those little blessings that gave me pause. Allowed me to exhale and get through.

So today I would like to ask you a favor~
Because of Andrew.

On September 15th, his 13th birthday, can you thank those people who did those small acts for me? Those people who changed my day with a small act of kindness.
Something little that suddenly made me think...
Maybe today isn't going to be so bad after all~

Do it Because of Andrew.
You could bring diapers to a shelter, a toy for a child in the hospital, coffee for a coworker or maybe even a stranger. Leave flowers on someones car. Write a letter to someone you're thinking about. Pick up someone else's tab. Let someone merge into traffic. Smile at as many people as you can!
Because of Andrew.

I think Andrew's biggest gift to the world has been how he grew my heart and let me share that love.
What a gift it would be to him (and to me) to share his gift with someone else.
Because of Andrew.


  1. Thank you so much for writing about Andrew. He has made a big impression in my own life. Those days I thought I would die when I lost one of daughters, when I couldn't see how I could survive, I could see you and your boys up ahead of me and it gave me hope and strength.

    I will certainly remember him on the 15th xx

    1. Thanks Catherine! That means the world to me. I'm glad we found one another. The internet is a powerful way to connect with people. Thank you for being an inspiration to me as well and remembering him on the 15th! <3

    2. Your story touched my heart, I too lost my son three wks before his 11th birthday. It will be nine yrs the end of May and I still miss him everyday but feel so blessed for getting to have him in my life. Thank u for sharing your story

  2. Your a beautiful lady and God bless you and Andrew. Thank you for sharing. Makes us realize that our problems are trivial compared to your story.

  3. What a beautiful touching post. Thank you for sharing your heart. ((Hugs))

    1. Today is 3 years that I was brutally raped and beaten in my own home by five or six men I was given dated squared and my nine-year-old son I'll never get over this I don't even want to live anymore. Mentally I could not go on and I lost my son my beautiful baby boy I been without him 3 years now it is killing me. I really don't think I can go on anymore what kind of God would let this happen I suffer every single day


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