Wednesday, March 28, 2012

A Dream I Had

I used to pray that he'd visit me in my dreams.
I'd heard of that.

Days went by.
He didn't.
Weeks went by.
He didn't.
Years went by.
He didn't.

And then last week I had a dream. I thought it was him. It was a little baby and I wondered if it was him~ And then the strangest thing happened. I looked to my right and I saw a little girl about three years old. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She had short blond hair and the most beautiful smile on her face. She was dancing. I saw her face. I knew in an instant it was her.


And she was smiling.

I felt such a love and peace that I wanted to stay there in that moment forever and just watch her. Smile at her. I know she saw me too and that filled me up in ways that I didn't think a simple dream could.

I saw her smiling and her hair spun around as she turned to go. First she waved as if to say, "I'll see you again mom." I wasn't sad to see her go. She was happy and I saw that and I knew that. I was happy she came to me.

Yes my love, I'll see you again.

I prayed to be visited in a dream but what I didn't know was it wasn't Andrew I needed to see, it was her. I didn't quite know what the dream meant. I wondered about it but just kept that warm feeling with me all day. I didn't share it. I kept it to myself. A little secret just between me and her.

But I wondered who that baby was... I didn't give it much thought until now...

I got some very sad news today. A very dear friend found out that she had lost her baby. When I first found out, I sat in disbelief. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. I thought there must be some mistake... but no. I know (all too well) that the absence of a beating heart is not something that is mistaken.

I cried for my friend and memories came flooding back that day. To E.
I couldn't talk. I sent out a text that simply said, "Baby's gone." I wonder if others sat and felt the same way I did today. Shock. Disbelief and then sadness. Sadness for my dear friend.

And I, the one who seems to have words coming out of her pores has no words. I have no idea what to say. How to make it better. I wish I could make it better. You know I wish I could make it better.

As I sat and thought, and cried, and sat some more my thoughts went back to my dream. To that little blond girl that I knew without a doubt was my sweet E and I thought that perhaps that baby was your's, my friend. I wonder if somehow they came to me to let me know that it is OK. They are both there. They are both safe. I know it is hardly a comfort right now as the what-ifs and what-could-have-beens take you prisoner. But this I know~ they will eventually loosen their grip on you. And I do pray that one day you will feel that peace and perhaps be visited in a dream by a sweet babe that smiles and waves and lets you know from the depths of your soul that it is OK. They are OK. All will be well. I pray that that feeling will one day fill you up to overflowing.

Until that day I am thinking of you my friend and praying so very much.
You know I am here to talk (tonight, tomorrow, next, month, or next year). I am here to talk or listen or simply to sit in silence. Cry.
I love you.
(And others who you don't even know are praying for you too. Hopefully anyone who has read these words will also keep you in prayer. Even though you may not believe, I do hope you find that to be a comfort.)

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Don't Should on Me!

Don't Should on Me

There is a tremendous value to talking to someone... talking with someone... someone who has been in your shoes, walked your walk.

I remember in early months looking to those women who had been attending group meetings for months, even years... watching them. They may have given me the same words as someone who had never walked my path, but their words I heard... Why? Because they knew. They understood what simply isn't understandable... unless you've walked that walk.

I could write pages on what not to say to someone who has lost a child. In short, my best advice would be "be slow to speak and quick to listen". We live in the days of Dr. Phil and reality television where problems seem to be wrapped up in 30 minutes. Solved. Better.

People want that for you. They want you to be better and when their calendar thinks you 'should' be better, they will start handing out their advice to you. Giving you their 'shoulds'.

You should be over this by now.
You should be able to go to that baby shower.
You should be thankful you can get pregnant.
You should...

Those shoulds may or may not be great advice but unless you have worn those shoes, your 'shoulds' may fall on deaf ears, on angry ears, on defensive ears. Ears that will take your shoulds, file them away and bring them out in a blog, meeting or coffee with those of this 'secret society'.

I heard some wonderful words from a friend at one of those recent meetings and she was sharing the words of another. Words that were great advice whether the speaker had walked our shoes or not...

The thing is the people that you think 'should' be feeling better want to feel better, but they are not ready or they just can't and your shoulds will just push them further from discovering their own truth and finding their own peace.

Don't should on me!
Great advice! For everyone everywhere but particularly for those who don't need to hear your "should" anymore. So be a friend, be an ear, be a shoulder. But don't be a should-er.