Wednesday, March 28, 2012

A Dream I Had

I used to pray that he'd visit me in my dreams.
I'd heard of that.

Days went by.
He didn't.
Weeks went by.
He didn't.
Years went by.
He didn't.

And then last week I had a dream. I thought it was him. It was a little baby and I wondered if it was him~ And then the strangest thing happened. I looked to my right and I saw a little girl about three years old. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She had short blond hair and the most beautiful smile on her face. She was dancing. I saw her face. I knew in an instant it was her.

~E~

And she was smiling.

I felt such a love and peace that I wanted to stay there in that moment forever and just watch her. Smile at her. I know she saw me too and that filled me up in ways that I didn't think a simple dream could.

I saw her smiling and her hair spun around as she turned to go. First she waved as if to say, "I'll see you again mom." I wasn't sad to see her go. She was happy and I saw that and I knew that. I was happy she came to me.

Yes my love, I'll see you again.

I prayed to be visited in a dream but what I didn't know was it wasn't Andrew I needed to see, it was her. I didn't quite know what the dream meant. I wondered about it but just kept that warm feeling with me all day. I didn't share it. I kept it to myself. A little secret just between me and her.

But I wondered who that baby was... I didn't give it much thought until now...

I got some very sad news today. A very dear friend found out that she had lost her baby. When I first found out, I sat in disbelief. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. I thought there must be some mistake... but no. I know (all too well) that the absence of a beating heart is not something that is mistaken.

I cried for my friend and memories came flooding back that day. To E.
I couldn't talk. I sent out a text that simply said, "Baby's gone." I wonder if others sat and felt the same way I did today. Shock. Disbelief and then sadness. Sadness for my dear friend.

And I, the one who seems to have words coming out of her pores has no words. I have no idea what to say. How to make it better. I wish I could make it better. You know I wish I could make it better.

As I sat and thought, and cried, and sat some more my thoughts went back to my dream. To that little blond girl that I knew without a doubt was my sweet E and I thought that perhaps that baby was your's, my friend. I wonder if somehow they came to me to let me know that it is OK. They are both there. They are both safe. I know it is hardly a comfort right now as the what-ifs and what-could-have-beens take you prisoner. But this I know~ they will eventually loosen their grip on you. And I do pray that one day you will feel that peace and perhaps be visited in a dream by a sweet babe that smiles and waves and lets you know from the depths of your soul that it is OK. They are OK. All will be well. I pray that that feeling will one day fill you up to overflowing.

Until that day I am thinking of you my friend and praying so very much.
You know I am here to talk (tonight, tomorrow, next, month, or next year). I am here to talk or listen or simply to sit in silence. Cry.
I love you.
(And others who you don't even know are praying for you too. Hopefully anyone who has read these words will also keep you in prayer. Even though you may not believe, I do hope you find that to be a comfort.)
(((Hugs)))
~L

20 comments:

  1. This made me cry, like real crocodile tears! Certainly praying for your friend & wishing for a dream visit too!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Deni! And I know she saw this. Hope you get a dream visit too... I was just talking to Jeff on how strange it was when I saw the baby (which is who I saw first), I knew that the baby was dead (or had died... but was now alive in heave), and I thought it was strange that Andrew would be a baby since now I envision him as an 8 year old...

      Delete
  2. Hugs...i know....love you

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love you too. Call me when you're ready.

      Delete
  3. Omg Laura, Im with Deni, crocodile tears...Im so sorry for your friend and Im glad she has you to lean on. Please let us know if we can reach out or help in any way. Your dream sounded so peaceful and I even imagined it being one of my girls as I was reading that, I really want that, but will be patient and live that dream vicariously thru you. Much love, Nan xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nan you are such a sweet soul and I think that her seeing this (and I know she will) will be a comfort! I just wrote Deni that I was telling Jeff how odd it was that when I first saw the baby because somehow I knew it was a baby that had died and how I always envisioned Andrew as 8. He's never come to me in a dream... maybe hasn't needed to really yet. I hope that they visit you. I do know that they are at peace. (((hugs))) L

      Delete
  4. Laura,
    you truly have been blessed with a gift to write. I cry every time. Tuesday the 3rd marks 3 years Jr left us. I think about him every day and more so as the actual day approaches. Steve (hubby) has nightmares about (not good dreams) and I never have had a dream/nightmare. A lot of the times I wish I had/did, but until it actually happens I won't know how I feel about it (good/bad). Anyways, I find your posts therapeutic and over the past 3 years they have really helped me understand that unfortunately I am not alone (I didn't realize how common it was until people started coming out of the woodwork saying they lost their babies when they heard we did. I will be praying for your friend and family and i do for you. I hope you're blessed with more sweet dreams of E and maybe/hopefully Andrew as well. Thank you for being a friend....((HUGS)) to you!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh no! The nightmares make me so sad. :-( I hope that they stop. I'm glad my story helped you. I still wonder if Andrew will come to me in a dream but I'm OK now just knowing he's OK. I will be thinking of Jr on the third and hope that it is peaceful for you. I know that some years are better than others with no rhyme or reason but they are all tough in their own way.
      Hugs & Love,
      L

      Delete
  5. Simply beautiful, Laura. Simply beautiful. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  6. What a perfect dream. ((HUGS))
    I am so sorry for your friends loss. Keeping them in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Beautiful. My heart goes out to your friend. I'm so sorry she's now walking this path with us, although what a sacred path it is.

    I have not yet dreamed of my twins, lost 8 months ago his coming Thursday, but I have seen a spirit baby - a dark-haired, chubby 9- to 11-month old baby girl - three times. She fills me with so much hope and peace as we continue on our infertility journey.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love this Amy! Praying for you on your journey. I had a friend who was infertile for years, and now she has that baby in her arms and realizes how worth the wait it is... still praying that wait comes to an end soon and you will have that baby in your arm. Until then, may that beautiful baby spirit carry you!
      (((hugs)))
      L

      Delete
  8. i'm glad you saw your sweet Baby E and can offer your friend that vision of her own little one. Lifting her up in prayer.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm so sorry for your friend :(

    What an amazing gift such a dream can be

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are so right Holly... what a comfort! <3

      Delete
  10. What a wonderful post Laura. You are a lucky woman...to see the gift from God...a glimpse...to be able to know that he gave you a little piece of heaven...something you needed to see...to feel...the peacefulness and happiness of a child...(whether your beloved Andrew...or baby E...). What a joyous day it will be when you are finally reunited with your babies in Heaven! I am already filled with joy for you!
    Hugs and blessings to your friend...
    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A wonderful day it will be... and I do hope that all those who I leave will remember that! Thinking of you dear friend! <3

      Delete

Your thoughts?