Wednesday, May 2, 2012

The things we can't change


I was just thinking of that puppy.  The one you saw when you were in third grade that you KNEW you had to have.  The one you had already named and whispered to saying, "You are just going to love your home.  We are going to have so much fun together!"

I was just thinking about the job interview.  The one that you nailed!  The one that you knew would be yours and you started thinking about the commute and how you would set up your classroom when your 5th grade students arrived in the fall.

I was just thinking of that boy... the one you fell in LOVE with when you were 12.  The one that had the last named that you were sure would be your own and practiced writing over and over.  The one that made you cry heavy sobs when you learned it was never going to be.

Well... mom and dad said that puppy would get too big.  And that job... mom and dad said that would be a long commute.  And that boy... your folks said you'd be over him soon... Sometimes mom and dad are right.

The thing is Laura, you have learned that there are things that we can't change in this life even though you wish you could.  I wish your hair was thicker and that horrible twin skin that Andrew and Joe left you would go away (without the heavy price tag that a tummy tuck would bring).

But I want you to think about this...
Had you gotten that dog, there would have been no Jenny Puddles.  Could you imagine your life without that sweet dog?  ~The one you told all your secrets to- the one who you held, tears rolling down your face as she took her last breath...

Had you gotten that job there would have been none of them... All those children that you were meant to teach- those children that were meant to teach you.  You know their names... the students who you think of still and wonder if they remember you too... (They do!)

And that boy.  The one you cried for days over.  Look at your life, your amazing husband- the one whose kiss can still make you weak in the knees, those beautiful children that create the laughter in your home.  Let's face it.  It was a good thing that God never answered those prayers or perhaps more importantly, He answered them, NO!

But what about him?  What about that little boy that you loved and prayed for.  The one that you dreamed about.  The one that you dream about still?

What about her?  The girl you had thought would be a perfect little sister to your Ali Jane?

I have seen your tears.  Been with you on those nights that you screamed in the shower hoping no one would hear you (though they probably did).  I have watched you as you sat.  Silent.  Wondering.  Wishing. Missing them.  No one knew your mind, but I did.  And I was there.  I know you wondered where God was.  Did he hear your prayers?  Of course he did.  But why did he say "No?".

All of these answers you wanted now.  You wanted them yesterday and let's face it... you have had a pretty blessed life.  Not much struggle.  Not much pain (though I would never minimize your dog, your job, that boy...) But what about them.  Your CHILDREN.  That's when things seemed to change.  They were bigger.

Why them?

Laura, there are things that you can't change.

You didn't get that dog, but you fell in love with another.
You didn't get that job, but you had one that turned out to be perfect for you.
You didn't marry that boy, but the one you married is more amazing than any other boy you know (or will know!).
You didn't have those babies... you didn't get to look in their eyes... hear their laughter... feel their arms around your neck... hear them call you,

mom.

And you can't change that.

But
Laura, you know they are safe and that unlike that dog, job or boy you know they will see you again.  That you will see them again.  You know they are waiting.

God said, "No."
And in time you figured out there were others meant to be in your life.
Joey.
Ali Jane.
Zach.
Sean.
Lives you were meant to touch.  Lives meant to touch yours.
And you do.  And they have.
But they were meant to be in your life.  You were meant to keep their memories alive.  You were meant to write this, share them, show others...

There are things we can't change,
but hang in there- endure the painful wait.
Something is in store for you.
Someone, somehow is in store for you.
The next chapter is always better than the last.

6 comments:

  1. "All praise to God, the Father of our Lord jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort that God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort though Christ." 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

    . . . so that we can comfort others . . .

    That's it in a nutshell, Laura. God has entrusted us with the ability to comfort others with the comfort He has given us. All He asks is that we're willing vessels. The blessing comes when He allows us a glimpse of what He is doing as we touch other's lives for Him.

    I will never cease to miss Keiki Milimili, our first; Trevor, our third; Liam, our fifth; and my Zoe, our seventh and my Chloe's twin sister. I give thanks that I have the hope that I will be with them one day in Heaven. I give thanks that Chloe and I can talk about the day she will be with her twin again, and that Zoe awaits her in Heaven.

    I will never cease to want to have them in my life here on earth, but I trust God that although He did not CAUSE me to lose these babies, that He did ALLOW it to happen and that He will use those losses for GOOD! I may not understand it all on this side of eternity, but one day I will.

    Life is hard. God is good.

    I know you know this to be true too.

    ((HUGS))
    Kelly

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    1. "Life is hard. God is good." Thank you for that.
      With you on this journey!
      Hugs-
      L

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  2. Without the girls being born when they were, without losing Olivia, we'd never have Ellie. And, oh, the joy she brings.

    I heard something once on a radio show, "God allows what he hates to accomplish what he loves." I think it's so true.

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    1. So often I have thought those same things... We wouldn't have had... I am glad that I didn't have to choose and blessed that in a way they were (and are) all part of my life.
      Ah... read that quote over and over... He loves us. He loves them.
      <3

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  3. He knows what is best for us. Just like us as parents we hate to say no to our children but we know better, we can see the road ahead for them. I just wish is didn't have to hurt so much. Beautiful post Laura. ((HUGS))

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    Replies
    1. So true Debby! As always, thanks for reading and for sharing!
      Hugs-
      L

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