Sunday, May 6, 2012
I'll never forget that first Mother's Day. How bittersweet it was. I had a beautiful baby in my arms but a huge hole in my heart. I had a flower on my wrist and I remember those around me in church looking at me and smiling at me. A sweet young mother.
What many of them didn't know was that whole story. That my motherhood didn't begin with the baby in my arms, but with his brother who was born one minute before him that September before.
They didn't know that I felt God that September night. Felt a presence that is indescribable. One that I will never forget. I grew up that day. I had a purpose. I was a mother. But that first night being a mother, I looked at my first born one last time, kissed his forehead and whispered to him how much I was going to miss him. And God knows I miss him still.
I am not alone.
Only after losing my Andrew and sharing his story with others did I realize that the pain that I had was not unique. Friends who had had a stillborn baby, or miscarriage came to me~ Shared their stories~ Cried their tears~ Carried me.
I didn't know.
And you probably don't either. There is something about us. We have an amazing strength to smile again, to get up, to live life, to laugh... and still right there, just below the surface we have them there... with us. Be it a child we held in our arms, a heartbeat we saw on a screen or a dream we had when we saw those two lines on a pregnancy test. We remember. We never forget. We never will. We are their mothers. The one who loved them first and we will love them still until we take our last breaths and join them once again.
I'm sad that I am part of this group, but I am proud. For no where in this world have I found the love and support and undying kindness like that of a bereaved mother. One who walked my shoes. One who would carry me when I could not walk it alone.
Thinking of all of you on this International Bereaved Mother's Day.
You inspire me with your stories. With your strength. With your love.
Wishing you peace~
Labels: Mother's Day