I'll never forget that first Mother's Day. How bittersweet it was. I had a beautiful baby in my arms but a huge hole in my heart. I had a flower on my wrist and I remember those around me in church looking at me and smiling at me. A sweet young mother.
What many of them didn't know was that whole story. That my motherhood didn't begin with the baby in my arms, but with his brother who was born one minute before him that September before.
They didn't know that I felt God that September night. Felt a presence that is indescribable. One that I will never forget. I grew up that day. I had a purpose. I was a mother. But that first night being a mother, I looked at my first born one last time, kissed his forehead and whispered to him how much I was going to miss him. And God knows I miss him still.
I am not alone.
Only after losing my Andrew and sharing his story with others did I realize that the pain that I had was not unique. Friends who had had a stillborn baby, or miscarriage came to me~ Shared their stories~ Cried their tears~ Carried me.
I didn't know.
And you probably don't either. There is something about us. We have an amazing strength to smile again, to get up, to live life, to laugh... and still right there, just below the surface we have them there... with us. Be it a child we held in our arms, a heartbeat we saw on a screen or a dream we had when we saw those two lines on a pregnancy test. We remember. We never forget. We never will. We are their mothers. The one who loved them first and we will love them still until we take our last breaths and join them once again.
I'm sad that I am part of this group, but I am proud. For no where in this world have I found the love and support and undying kindness like that of a bereaved mother. One who walked my shoes. One who would carry me when I could not walk it alone.
Thank you.
Thinking of all of you on this International Bereaved Mother's Day.
You inspire me with your stories. With your strength. With your love.
Wishing you peace~
Hugs,
L
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xoxo
ReplyDelete(((hugs))) Thank you Diana!
DeleteOh Laura this is exactly what I needed to read. I've been dreading mothers day this year because this is the first year without my daughter and while I am a mother to my angel baby, I can't raise her in this lifetime and it's killing me. This post inspires me and let's me see that I do have the strength to carry on.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad that this post reached you in a time when you needed it most. Mother's Days are always hard for me but I will never forget that first Mother's Day... I hope that you day was peaceful and that you were given that strength that you needed.
Delete(((hugs)))
L
Beautiful post Laura. I have not walked in your shoes but I do know that the community of women who grieve like you do are a community of strong women. Here I have been in my own little world not knowing about the pain of losing a baby. I still believe that this needs to be on the news, it needs to be shared with the world.
ReplyDeleteYou have a heart of gold and have done so much for those of us who are so broken. Thank you for all you do for us. For understanding and for being there. You are amazing.
Delete(((hugs)))
L
My eldest attends the music school here in our city and I went to one of their concerts last night. They all did a wonderful job,but there was especially one kid who brought tears to my eyes. Not just because he's got a beautiful voice, which he does, but also because the lyrics so totally represents this community we're apart of. What you've written here made me think of it again:
ReplyDelete"Lean on me, when you're not strong, and I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on. For it won't be long, till I'm gonna need, somebody to lean on."