Who am I?

My name is Laura and I have been keeping this blog since January of 2009, but my story began long before that.  On September 15, 2003 life, as I knew it, changed.  At 39 weeks pregnant, I delivered twin boys.  Both were wrapped tightly in cord.  It was the cord that took our Andrew's life just hours before he was delivered.  His twin, Jonasen, was born healthy- though we were told had we waited one more week to deliver (as originally planned) he would not be here.

I had a very difficult time trying to find my way after I lost my son.  If I found myself sad, I felt guilty because I had a child at home.  If I felt happy, I felt guilty. How could happiness exist when someone I loved so much was gone?

Though I didn't blog back in 2003, (I didn't even know what a 'blog' was) I did write.  I have journals full of letters that I have written to Andrew.  These are letters I know he will never read, and yet somehow by putting my thoughts on paper, it felt he heard every word.  I look back at those journals and I remember every bend in the road.  The pages where it was so raw- I can even see the remnants of my tears on the pages. 

This journey has been full of surprises.  I never knew that I would feel happiness again.  I never knew that it would be o.k. to feel 'full' and at peace.  Now I know that it is.  I have also learned that such feelings are only there when you are ready.  I fully understand the importance of holding on to grief and living in it.  There is something comforting in it- an old friend.  I still have moments where I cry missing my dear son.  I know that will not change, and that it is ok, but I have let go of my grip on grief.

In real life I have an amazing husband and four children at home.  My daughter was born just 15 months after I lost Andrew.  While I did not have trouble conceiving our twins or our daughter, I did need 'help' with our middle son.  My next pregnancy came easy, (that was Baby E.) but unfortunately I lost the baby on September 9, 2008.  If you have been reading for a while, you know that our last baby was born healthy in October of 2009.  I do not write about my living children here, but have another blog where I write about our daily adventures.  That blog started before this one.  When I would write about Andrew, I would label those posts- 'pause'.  It was as if I needed a moment to step back.  To remember. And for others to remember.  While I still write about him there, it is not as often as this blog feels like a home for those feelings.  A place to write what I need to- and to be read by a community that understands and will let me remember, even when I have so much to be thankful for.

I am a Christian- and very secure in my faith.

I am an elementary teacher- and know that God does not reward people with children-

Nor does He punish and take away children. 

(Trust me on that one!)

I am very active in my local hospital's support group and have spoken at two conferences for people in the medical community to help them deal with people like 'us'.

As always, thank you for reading- for writing- and for sharing your story. 

Please don't hesitate to contact me if you ever want to 'talk'.

momentsofpause@yahoo.com