He's already there.

I'm glad he came.

The pastor who married us came to the hospital when he heard the news. I had a question for him and when he walked through the door I knew I already had the answer, but somehow I had to hear it from him.


He was the pastor who married us.
He was the one who gave the sermon about "Populating Heaven"
He was the one who would later baptize all of my living children and would remember Andrew.
He was the one who would answer the question I knew the answer to, but needed to ask.

We hugged and I broke-

I remember him sitting as I told my story- what had just happened -tears streaming down both our faces. My tears like a faucet that couldn't be turned off. I remember my voice was steady and yet the tears fell like rain.

I spoke.

And he listened.
Of everyone I know, he is one of the best listeners and I felt he heard every word and listened as I unpacked my vulnerable heart right there and then. All its broken pieces- right there.

"Do we need to baptize him?"

And even now, I don't know why I asked the question. That night when they pulled Andrew's body from mine I knew I wasn't alone. I felt God's presence as surely as anything I have felt in my life. I wasn't alone. God was in that room. He held my baby- He held him so safe and secure and in that moment I knew I was going to be o.k. Perhaps that is why I felt that peace. No one will ever be able to tell me otherwise... And yet I needed to know, I needed to hear the words. I knew his body was still in the hospital, steps away from my room and I could see him again if needed.

Perhaps that is why.

and still I asked the question.
"Do we need to baptize him?"

He smiled and shook his head and for a moment I began to panic and my certainty dimmed as I thought why not? Doesn't he deserve to have that blessing? Doesn't he? I know God loves my son- I know my son is already with Him!

He shook his head and looked at the table where an empty pop can lay. He picked it up and pointed to it and shook his head.

No.

'That beautiful body was the container.'

He flipped the empty can over.
And as he motioned to the heavens he said 'No, The good stuff is already gone.'

I found my breath.

Of course! My babies knew God- they lept every time I sang His praises- they certainly heard as I prayed! And it was God that knit them together, so beautiful, so perfect inside my womb. It was God that gave me back my breath that night. And God who gave it back to me again in that moment.

'No. You don't need to baptise him. He's already there.'

He's already there.