Not A Dream

Five years since this picture was taken.
I don't have any pictures of them together as babies- this is as close as it got.

I remember leaving the house that day, my bag slung on my shoulder- looking around the house and thinking- when I come back to this house I will be changed. Little did I know then how true those words were.

I got the call that afternoon! YES! One week overdue and the plan had changed- I didn't have to wait one more week- I could come tonight!
I looked at the clock and the hands were stuck. The perfect pregnancy had gone so fast and now the clock had stopped? Was that possible? Probably only four hours of waiting- was it four hours?- Hours that gave me pause- think about how I got to this moment- pause- and think- and I began to dream- dream about who they were and feeling so blessed to watch them on their lifes' journeys.

-Fast Forward-

No heart beats- the ultra sound- the babies- black- no flicker of life.
"I'm sorry to say your fetuses are dead."
What was happening- is this a dream?
I looked from husband to mom to doctor- was I dreaming?
"But, I feel movement."
His arm touched my left hand, "I'm afraid that's just you breathing."
I took his hand and put it to my side. He felt it too. I saw him pause.
Am I dreaming?

My body was no longer my own, I was poked and prodded and yet I felt nothing. I was suddenly existing outside of my body. I could see my limbs jump as fluids entered my body- that couldn't be my body- I wasn't making those movements...
Am I dreaming?

They wheeled me in alone- so many of them and yet I couldn't tell who they were- nothing but eyes. They sat me up on the bed. I hugged one of them.
"God is in this room."
Did it come out of my mouth- or was it only in my mind, "I know."
And then my body went limp and they laid me down.
Am I dreaming?

And then eyes I knew- reddened eyes- tired eyes- crying eyes- the rest of his face covered by a mask. I'm certain he kissed my forehead.
Am I dreaming?

It felt dark. The room was silent.
Am I dreaming?

Did I know? I felt it as they pulled him from my body. They pulled him and something else went with him. A piece of me left- in that moment- I was changed.
It was silent.
I felt Him in the room. I felt peace.
Am I dreaming?

"It's a boy."
No enthusiasm. A fact. It was a boy. A boy. My boy. Our boy.
I opened my eyes. Did they focus? But he looked fine. He was pink. He was beautiful. Why aren't they working on him? Why didn't he cry?
Am I dreaming?

A minute later screams filled the room. They weren't mine. I had no voice.
Exhale.
A single tear.
Thank you God. Take him now, I'll be o.k.

"It's another boy."
Am I dreaming?

Baby A lay at my left. Baby B at my right. My boys. These were the babies that had been growing inside of me. They were swaddled in blankets, blue hats on their heads. They were beautiful. They were mine.

I still see it so clearly, I slipped my pinkie in his hand and I swear I felt him hold on.
Don't let go baby. Please don't let go.
No. This is not a dream.

I held them, I nursed one and I fell in love. And in that moment I had changed. Did I pause then to ponder it? I don't know. I had changed.
It was not a dream.