Sunday, January 18, 2009

Not A Dream

Five years since this picture was taken.
I don't have any pictures of them together as babies- this is as close as it got.

I remember leaving the house that day, my bag slung on my shoulder- looking around the house and thinking- when I come back to this house I will be changed. Little did I know then how true those words were.

I got the call that afternoon! YES! One week overdue and the plan had changed- I didn't have to wait one more week- I could come tonight!
I looked at the clock and the hands were stuck. The perfect pregnancy had gone so fast and now the clock had stopped? Was that possible? Probably only four hours of waiting- was it four hours?- Hours that gave me pause- think about how I got to this moment- pause- and think- and I began to dream- dream about who they were and feeling so blessed to watch them on their lifes' journeys.

-Fast Forward-

No heart beats- the ultra sound- the babies- black- no flicker of life.
"I'm sorry to say your fetuses are dead."
What was happening- is this a dream?
I looked from husband to mom to doctor- was I dreaming?
"But, I feel movement."
His arm touched my left hand, "I'm afraid that's just you breathing."
I took his hand and put it to my side. He felt it too. I saw him pause.
Am I dreaming?

My body was no longer my own, I was poked and prodded and yet I felt nothing. I was suddenly existing outside of my body. I could see my limbs jump as fluids entered my body- that couldn't be my body- I wasn't making those movements...
Am I dreaming?

They wheeled me in alone- so many of them and yet I couldn't tell who they were- nothing but eyes. They sat me up on the bed. I hugged one of them.
"God is in this room."
Did it come out of my mouth- or was it only in my mind, "I know."
And then my body went limp and they laid me down.
Am I dreaming?

And then eyes I knew- reddened eyes- tired eyes- crying eyes- the rest of his face covered by a mask. I'm certain he kissed my forehead.
Am I dreaming?

It felt dark. The room was silent.
Am I dreaming?

Did I know? I felt it as they pulled him from my body. They pulled him and something else went with him. A piece of me left- in that moment- I was changed.
It was silent.
I felt Him in the room. I felt peace.
Am I dreaming?

"It's a boy."
No enthusiasm. A fact. It was a boy. A boy. My boy. Our boy.
I opened my eyes. Did they focus? But he looked fine. He was pink. He was beautiful. Why aren't they working on him? Why didn't he cry?
Am I dreaming?

A minute later screams filled the room. They weren't mine. I had no voice.
Exhale.
A single tear.
Thank you God. Take him now, I'll be o.k.

"It's another boy."
Am I dreaming?

Baby A lay at my left. Baby B at my right. My boys. These were the babies that had been growing inside of me. They were swaddled in blankets, blue hats on their heads. They were beautiful. They were mine.

I still see it so clearly, I slipped my pinkie in his hand and I swear I felt him hold on.
Don't let go baby. Please don't let go.
No. This is not a dream.

I held them, I nursed one and I fell in love. And in that moment I had changed. Did I pause then to ponder it? I don't know. I had changed.
It was not a dream.

13 comments:

  1. There are no words, Laura. I still can't stop crying. There is nothing in my world that can imagine your world. I remember that day and I remember being with you and hearing your story and I remember trying desperately to understand what you may be feeling. Thank you for putting words and images to your pain and helping me to try to cope with mine.
    Kim

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  2. Hi Laur,

    I am in tears. I just checked on your blog b/c I hadn't visited it this week yet and I saw that you have created a new one for Andrew and Baby E.

    I read through it and felt moved and destroyed and filled with faith all over again. Please know that I don't forget for a moment what you've been through, but to read the pain and to have it register like it was just yesterday- WHEW.

    I love you and want you to know how much I love you, friend. You are GRACE.

    I love you so much. Thank you for bearing your soul the way you have. It will surely help a lot of folks- and in the meantime, it touches the rest of us, just like Andrew.

    Love you,
    Pammy

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm crying. I had a very similar experience with the loss of one of my twin sons. I don't think I'll ever be who I was before that fateful day at 35 weeks when there was no heartbeat at the ultrasound and they induced me. My heart's with you and so is my mind. Thanks for sharing. I will be following your blog.

    TwinsItIs

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  4. Thanks so much for sharing your story! I lost my twin babies to TTTS at 21 weeks and then continued on in my pregnancy to deliver my Baby C at 27 weeks. I am so so sorry for your loss and your pain. I too feel that I will never be the same, and can relate to many of your feelings. Someday we will get to see our boys again.

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  5. Laura, I have finally got around to reading your blog. Through your blog, you are able to reach out to so many that have and may go through this tragedy. Yours is a testament to your faith and love for the Lord despite when things happen that makes it more difficult to praise him. It's so easy to praise God when all is good however; when tragedy occurs and we are left with so much hurt and doubt, it challenges our faith. I believe this blog can be a ministry to others
    Thank you for sharing and your family will be in my prayers and I know that kind of hurt and loss just doesn't go away.
    -Stacey

    ReplyDelete
  6. Wow. I'm glad that little one grabbed onto you. I'm still saddened by the loss of your one twin, but the story made my heart flutter for the bittersweet ending.

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  7. Hi Laura,

    I never truly knew what happened, and I just wanted to say my thoughts are with you and your family. You are one of the best people out there, and I am so sorry for the pain you have endured. xoxox
    Sas

    ReplyDelete
  8. I came across your blog by chance. How I do not know. I am sorry for your loss. I have a daughter that is a twin and she had to deliver her baby at 26 weeks due to complications. My granddaughter lived for 8 days and then passed away due to some genetic disorder called Polycystic Kidney Disease. We knew nothing of it. We were all shocked and saddened but were able to greive and move on with the help of an organization that came out and captured pictures of our Baby Brianna and to this day I still go on the site to look at her. I know how much it must have hurt by the look in my daughters eyes when she let that child go and be with God. I just wanted to share that and to say My prayers are with all of the mothers that had to lose a child in this way. My thoughts and prayers are with you..
    Sincerely,
    Kari Bruseth
    Grandmother to an Angel
    Brianna Lynne Larson
    March 21, 2008~ March 29, 2008

    ReplyDelete
  9. Your words are full of the heartache of something no one should endure, but they are also full of a deep love that will forever connect your heart to your little one.

    Blessings & Aloha!
    Our "baby" boy is a childhood cancer survivor. We are so thankful that he is now 20 years old and that the challenging times of 6 years ago...the diagnosis, the intense chemo... are behind us. During those times, I was mentally and physically drained...but for the faith of God and the love and support of family and friends...

    ReplyDelete
  10. i can feel your heartaches of losing a son,and also, the joy of having your son with you. your story made me cry. I pray that God will continue to comfort you.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Your words are full of the heartache of something no one should endure, but they are also full of a deep love that will forever connect your heart to your little one.

    Blessings & Aloha!
    Our "baby" boy is a childhood cancer survivor. We are so thankful that he is now 20 years old and that the challenging times of 6 years ago...the diagnosis, the intense chemo... are behind us. During those times, I was mentally and physically drained...but for the faith of God and the love and support of family and friends...

    ReplyDelete
  12. Laura, I have finally got around to reading your blog. Through your blog, you are able to reach out to so many that have and may go through this tragedy. Yours is a testament to your faith and love for the Lord despite when things happen that makes it more difficult to praise him. It's so easy to praise God when all is good however; when tragedy occurs and we are left with so much hurt and doubt, it challenges our faith. I believe this blog can be a ministry to others
    Thank you for sharing and your family will be in my prayers and I know that kind of hurt and loss just doesn't go away.
    -Stacey

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hi Laur,

    I am in tears. I just checked on your blog b/c I hadn't visited it this week yet and I saw that you have created a new one for Andrew and Baby E.

    I read through it and felt moved and destroyed and filled with faith all over again. Please know that I don't forget for a moment what you've been through, but to read the pain and to have it register like it was just yesterday- WHEW.

    I love you and want you to know how much I love you, friend. You are GRACE.

    I love you so much. Thank you for bearing your soul the way you have. It will surely help a lot of folks- and in the meantime, it touches the rest of us, just like Andrew.

    Love you,
    Pammy

    ReplyDelete

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