I picked up my pen.

My family came into the room. They lived in town and so the hospital had broken it's visiting hours for a family who was broken.

I looked at my brother- (It was obvious his eyes had been crying)
And then my dad- (and his eyes)
And my mom- (and her eyes)

"Why are you all so sad? We have a baby. God gave us two- He let us keep one."

Even my husband was silent.

I couldn't understand why everyone was so sullen. The moment I had been waiting for for a lifetime had come. I saw my children for the first time, I was blessed.

We took turns holding them and looking at them and made small talk (or I tried to).
The silence was deafening. Much too much silence for a new mom who had just given birth.

I made the calls.
My in-laws
My Grandparents
My Best Friends.

We spent time together. We looked at the babies and loved the babies and cried for the babies. Tears of sorrow and tears of joy- and at times it was hard to tell the difference between the two.

I looked over at that little pink baby and he was starting to change.
It was time.
I called in the nurse, pulled up his little hat and kissed his little head- ever so gently- ever so sweetly.

It was time.

She took him from my arms and I turned away as she took him from the room.

That was the last time I saw him.

And then I was done. My voice was lost.

My family had gone and it was only my new family- my husband and my son.
One son.
Only one baby.
There were supposed to be two.
My voice had left me- even if it could form words- what would it say?

I looked at my new baby, asleep in his bassinet.
I looked at my husband, asleep on the pull out chair.

And I cried.

I cried and cried and cried.

There was a physical pain- far worse than the surgery I had endured hours before. A physical pain that would take a lot longer to heal.

I picked up my pen and I wrote.
I wrote for hours.
I was angry and sad and mad.
I yelled at God through my pen!

WHY?????????????

I wrote and wrote and wrote through tear-stained eyes- the paper I wrote on smudged. I wrote for hours.

And then a strange thing happened.

I took a breath.
And I let it out.
I took a breath.
And I let it out.

I realized suddenly that I was breathing again.

I closed my journal and looked at my husband and looked at that baby both sleeping so peacefully.

And I breathed.

I pressed my hand to my lips
-looked to the heavens
-and blew.

And so began my tradition.
Each night

A single kiss.

"My love will fly to you each night on Angels' wings. God-Speed. Sweet Dreams."