Tuesday, February 21, 2017


My Joey on the right with my best friend's rainbow.

It still happens.
There are still moments when I hold my breath-
close my eyes-
and can't believe I've come this far.

Jonasen is now 13. He's taller than I am and his voice has deepened.
He's still soft-spoken.
He's still a child that seems to find me when I need him~
Just like his brother.

I remember that moment when he was not even a year old~
Andrew's ashes had arrived and when I got them I crumbled.
Sank to the floor.
So deep in my grief and cries that I didn't think I could get out~
But there he was-
He had heard me- 
Crawled over to me- 
His head on me as I cried.
I remember gathering him in my arms-
my lifeline.

Tonight I was thinking of Andrew as I often do.
No longer in that deep grief but a quiet wondering.
I was thinking of him.
And also of his brother Joe-
My twins.
Thinking of how proud I am of Joe and I have to think his brother must be too.
I was just standing there in the kitchen.
Joe came to me (as he sometimes does)
with that single word, (he sometimes says)
And took me in his arms~
my head now resting on his shoulder.

There are still moments when I hold my breath-
Close my eyes-
and can't believe I've come this far.

But I have.
We have.


  1. ((Hugs)) Beautiful....you never cease to amaze me with your words.

  2. I cant help but be jealous because you have your children even if they're gone and body there still with you in spirit. My son was taken from me by CPS because I was a victim of a crime. And I cannot get him back and he was all I had this world he was all I had and I mean that I have nothing without him

  3. I'm so sorry to be negative I knew this day was going to come and I'm sitting here trying to hurt myself and it's not even working.


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