Friday, February 27, 2009

The Chair- Days Before

It was just a chair.
And yet seeing it made me draw my hand to my mouth- made me lose my breath- made me hurt-
But it was just a chair.

Days before I had left- 39 weeks pregnant with two babies- ready to meet them- ready to bring them back to this room.
Days before.

It was just a chair.
And yet seeing it there made me pause- made my eyes begin to swell- made me wonder what it would have been like to hold him in it, rock him in it, sing to him in it-
But it was just a chair.

Days before I wasn't so old, wasn't so tired, wasn't so wise, wasn't so broken.
Days before.

It was just a chair.
And yet seeing it there made me angry! I felt my shoulders begin to tremble and wondered why had God forsaken me? Why had He taken my baby? Why had He needed him so much more than I?
But it was just a chair.

Days before that chair was in a different corner- a place where I had sat and rocked- rubbed my growing belly and dreamed- saw a future with two- two babies in my arms- Days before that chair was where it should have been- in a room with two cribs- not one- a home for two babies- not one.
Just days before.

It was just a chair.
Yet seeing it there where his crib used to be broke my heart. I had no idea how much seeing it would hurt me, would remind me of how good it felt just days before-
But it was just a chair.

It was just a chair-
in a room that he never slept in-
yet somehow felt so empty in his absence.

3 comments:

  1. Just a chair -- and yet it held so much hope for the future. I can imagine the gut wrenching despair when you saw the chair in his crib's place. A cruel reminder of his not being there. There is no way around that pain. Maybe knowing that you DID sit there with him, rubbing your tummy, loving him in that moment, in THAT chair, will help bring some peace as you sit in it and rock your survivor. I wish you that peace.

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  2. Oh Laura, definitely one of my favorites...maybe even my very favorite. This speaks so well to the hopes and dreams that all of us have for our babies, even when they aren't born yet. Thank you for writing...

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  3. Oh Laura, definitely one of my favorites...maybe even my very favorite. This speaks so well to the hopes and dreams that all of us have for our babies, even when they aren't born yet. Thank you for writing...

    ReplyDelete

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