Wednesday, February 4, 2009

There are no words.

There are no words.
Over 40 people visited us in those first few days at the hospital. Later more came. I know they all sought them, prayed for them, but they just couldn't find them. They don't exist.
There are no words.

What does one say to a family who has lost a child? Words cannot possibly convey the message that the heart feels. Words cannot encompass what one hopes- to take away some of the pain. Words cannot begin to do what one wishes- to make you better, to give you your smile back, to make it like before.

I loved my father-in-law. He was an amazing man who never failed to make me laugh and while he is in heaven now, I think of him so often and still can hear his voice so clearly. I remember when he came to the hospital that first time to meet the first grandchild from his 'baby'. He came in telling us that the nurse had directed him to the room of the woman who had twins and that he had corrected her by saying, "No. She had ONE baby."
While my heart swelled because I knew his intentions were so good, I also knew that I did have twins. The nurse had spoken the truth and anyone who had said otherwise was wrong.

There are no words.

I didn't hear from some for a while. Days and weeks went by because they couldn't find the words. It wasn't that they didn't try, they just couldn't find them. They couldn't find those perfect words because they don't exist.

There are no words.

Some thought that by speaking his name they would somehow bring about pain- that perhaps I was happy and that by speaking his name they would make me sad. I remember saying, 'Say his name. I may cry, but the more I say it, the easier it gets.' The more you say it, the easier it gets.

I've been so blessed in my life to have people who remembered.
Sending congratulations with sympathies- Remembering with thoughtful gifts- the shoes, the heart, the angel, his name. Remembering brought me peace. Seeing them write his name- or say it- brought me peace.

There are no words.

But she remembers- each year she sends a card. Amidst the birthday cards for his twin is one for us- one for him- remembering.

There are no words.
If I had them I would tell you. If they existed I would have found them. I would have shared them with my dear friends. I would have spoken them to Ethan & Owen's mom when Parker joined them in heaven. If they existed I would have spoken them. If they existed, I would share them here with you now. If only there were words that could make it all better-If only they existed... if only...

There are no words.
Just remember.
Just be.
There are no words and it's o.k.
We know.

2 comments:

  1. Laura,

    This is so true... I always appreciated the words anyone spoke, even if they pissed me off initially, I would later think, well at least they attempted at mentioning my daughters, and thats more than I can say for some....

    ReplyDelete
  2. I cannot tell you how closely I relate to this. God Bless you.

    ReplyDelete

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