Graduation

I made it through the last football game.

The last cross country meet.

The Senior Honors Night.

The last time he raced on a track.

Prom.

Sure, I've thought about you and the what-ifs as I always do. 

They flutter in and fly away but today they stayed. 

They lingered. 

And they were crushing.

We had a busy day. Housework, grad party, soccer game.

And yet you fluttered in but did not leave.

I tried to do other things to keep my mind occupied but I looked out the window and I wondered.

I sat down and finally just gave in.

I just cried and cried and cried.

I miss you.

Tomorrow you would be graduating.

How in the world is that even possible?

There were days I wondered if I would make it though a day and here I am. 

Here we are.

Oh my Andrew. 

I miss you so. 

I love you and I miss you and I wonder what it would be like in that parallel universe where you stayed. You could have all stayed and we'd be getting ready to cheer on two graduates

~ instead of one.

I've felt you so much this year. 

From your birthday run~

To your brother's college decision~

You've been right there in the shadows.

But today you were right there in the light and you weren't leaving.

I think I needed a good, long, hard, cry and you gave that to me.

So today can be about you.

About all the dreams we had for you.

About our heartache

About missing and wondering and wishing.

And tomorrow I know you will slide back into the shadows 

so we can watch your brother shine.

How incredibly proud we are of him.

I said it before and I'll say it again.

Thank you.

There's no doubt you have been here with him. With me. With us.

See you tomorrow and we celebrate with happy tears your little (by a minute) brother!

(And how perfect that a dear friend sent me that picture above. Today.)