Graduation

I made it through the last football game.

The last cross country meet.

The Senior Honors Night.

The last time he raced on a track.

Prom.

Sure, I've thought about you and the what-ifs as I always do. 

They flutter in and fly away but today they stayed. 

They lingered. 

And they were crushing.

We had a busy day. Housework, grad party, soccer game.

And yet you fluttered in but did not leave.

I tried to do other things to keep my mind occupied but I looked out the window and I wondered.

I sat down and finally just gave in.

I just cried and cried and cried.

I miss you.

Tomorrow you would be graduating.

How in the world is that even possible?

There were days I wondered if I would make it though a day and here I am. 

Here we are.

Oh my Andrew. 

I miss you so. 

I love you and I miss you and I wonder what it would be like in that parallel universe where you stayed. You could have all stayed and we'd be getting ready to cheer on two graduates

~ instead of one.

I've felt you so much this year. 

From your birthday run~

To your brother's college decision~

You've been right there in the shadows.

But today you were right there in the light and you weren't leaving.

I think I needed a good, long, hard, cry and you gave that to me.

So today can be about you.

About all the dreams we had for you.

About our heartache

About missing and wondering and wishing.

And tomorrow I know you will slide back into the shadows 

so we can watch your brother shine.

How incredibly proud we are of him.

I said it before and I'll say it again.

Thank you.

There's no doubt you have been here with him. With me. With us.

See you tomorrow and we celebrate with happy tears your little (by a minute) brother!

(And how perfect that a dear friend sent me that picture above. Today.)

Dear Andrew

Dear Andrew,

It's a snow day today. Our second in a row and for the first time (in the longest time), I haven't worked which is something I didn't realize I needed~ but when I have that moment to pause, I am usually gifted what I need. It's always been like that. Losing you hasn't been "easier" as time has gone by, rather time has gifted me ways to cope and learn to do life without someone who has shaped me so very much.

I was on the treadmill (I run for my headspace) and I was walking a bit after when a song that reminds me of you came on. I looked to the shelf and there was your baby book and a flood of memories just came pouring back. Seeing the words I had written days after losing you, the clothes that you had worn, the cards and words people had sent us (I have a box somewhere else but a select few got into your baby book, I don't know why those were there)... I had forgotten some things- speaking at conferences about your loss, the newspaper article, the words a friend who hadn't spoken to me in years sent (and I haven't heard from her since). It all just made me pause.

You have had such an impact on others- in the beginning I think it was you- just hearing your story but in the years since I have seen you living on in many of the things that we do and even if it's something small I do and I see someone smile I think, "that was because of Andrew" and they are none the wiser. 

But I know.

Sean just came in and asked me what I was writing and I told him a letter to you.

He said to me, "Mom, what do you think it would be like if Andrew hadn't died and was still here?"

I told him the truth. 

I honestly don't know... But I do know life would be very different.

Sean said, "I bet I wouldn't be here." I told him that I was certain one of you wouldn't be but I wasn't convinced it would have been Sean- everything would have been different. Everything.

The thing is, I can't imagine my life with you in it.

And I can't imagine my life without you in it (the way you are now).

I am who I am now, because of you.

Joe goes off to college next fall. Keep an eye out for him, will you son? I always pictured you both going through this together (maybe not the same direction but the same new chapter- a turning page if you will). This year has brought so much emotion rushing back. You are never forgotten.

I love you. Thanks for the visit.

It felt good to cry for you today.

It felt good to pause.

Love you.

Always,

Mom

HERE is a video I made as I was leafing through your things to that song I told you about.