Thursday, August 12, 2010

The Dance

Tonight I was watching.

My children were at play outside. They were running and laughing in the summer sun- but it wasn't this that caught my attention.

As they were at play there was a butterfly. One that seemed to frolic with them. Dance really. And while I know it is just a butterfly, it made me think of him and wonder.

Andrew would be turning seven next month! SEVEN! He'd be reading, riding his bike and probably writing like his brother. I wonder what he would say.

I watched Joe and the the butterfly that seemed to chase him, chase all of them, join in the fun.

And then to my delight another butterfly came and suddenly the laughter faded and I just watched the dance. Delighted in it. It was beautiful and peaceful. They would rise and fall, flutter and glide. They were a pair. And as I watched my heart grew.

Suddenly I had an image that I hadn't had before...

Our baby E would have been walking by now. As odd as it is, I remember feeling sad that Andrew did not have the joy that I see in our children as they play together, laugh together- but today that feeling left me. For in my mind, I could imagine him running. Running hand in hand with a toddler- what would have been our toddler. I could imagine him helping and guiding and supporting and laughing.

Laughing.

I could see their outline. The sun in the distance keeping them a shadow to me. But I saw them. I watched the dance. I heard the laughter.

I know he's there. I know they're there. They have been there with me, dancing around me, celebrating with me, cheering me on. They have been there all along. Supporting their mother as she learned to live again. To breathe again. To feel again.

They've been there all along.
I hold them close and yet they soar.
Tonight I saw it all.

9 comments:

  1. Beautiful! Just beautiful! I love that I can continue to read your thoughts and that you continue to miss your babies even years later, knowing that they are still a part of you! Thank you for sharing and making me feel just a little more 'normal'!!

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  2. Just beautiful Laura. It makes sense to me, that they are at once so close to you and yet, they fly so high and far away.

    I'm glad you feel their presence with you. x

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  3. Beautifully put, I love to read how close you are to their memory years later. I worry so much about Hadley's memory fading as the years go by. I'm so glad you see signs of your babies and can find peace at times like this.

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  4. I love it when a butterfly joins us when we play outside....and even more so when my kids chase it and play with it. My survivor (3) often points one out to me and I haven't mentioned to him how they remind me of his brother.

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  5. I am in love with this photo!

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  6. As always, beautiful Laura. These moments of peace and clarity are wonderful blessings. 8i8

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  7. What a beautiful moment of the butterfly coming.

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  8. What a beautiful moment of the butterfly coming.

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  9. I love it when a butterfly joins us when we play outside....and even more so when my kids chase it and play with it. My survivor (3) often points one out to me and I haven't mentioned to him how they remind me of his brother.

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