On becoming a mother.

They are always there.

Part of my story.

Mother's Day is not just the joy of having four beautiful children around me.

It's the pain of having two of them not.

It is hard for me not to think of those who hurt on Mother's Day~

Be it from

 Missing their own mother~

Missing the one who made them a mother~

Missing that chance of becoming a mother~

I think there are many more hurting, or with those mixed feelings, than those who are completely full.

That is my story.

At a recent meeting that topic of your friend saying "I'm expecting" came up.

And what is the right way to tell someone.

I've been on both sides... How to tell someone & How I prefer someone to tell me.

No matter how happy you may be for someone becoming a mother, 

there is so often that sting that comes with it.

I remember days after I lost E.

A college friend had told me that he and his girlfriend were expecting. 

The knife.

And can you believe it?  Twins?

The twist.

I congratulated him and held my stomach 

(and my tears).

A week later I got a phone call.

It was my own mother and there was a lot of commotion in the background.

I couldn't quite hear.

And then it came out, "You're going to be an Auntie!"

(And dare I admit it.)

That knife was back.

And I was so ashamed.

I congratulated my brother and held my stomach 

(and my tears).

Because in those moments (when the pieces of my broken heart were still so sharp) it became about me.

I didn't want it to be.

But my broken heart went there and made it that way.  

That's how I felt.

The thing about feelings is that they aren't right or wrong... they simply are.

Both of these announcements came over the phone.

And THAT was the greatest blessing for me.

Because those moments of "me"

Those moments of breaking

Holding my stomach

Hiding my tears

were alone.

And when I saw the expectant parents next, I could hug them and say how happy I was for them...

And I was.

I just needed time.

We all need time.

Our experiences shape us, make us who we are, grow us.

Those broken sharp edges of our heart will become more rounded

But they will always be~ broken.

I wanted to share this story because perhaps you know someone.

Someone like me who had recently lost a child (or perhaps EVER lost a child) and you're wrestling with how to tell them.  This is what I would have said in those days, weeks, months and perhaps even years following my losses.

I want you to know that it will hurt me a little.

But not telling me will hurt me a lot.

I want you to know that in that moment you tell me I may be a little sad for me.

But I am also so happy for you.

I want to thank you for telling me over the phone

Where I won't have my face give me away.

Though it may take a moment for the reality of 

"It's not me" to settle in...

It will.

Because you are my friend.

I am and will be so happy for you, on becoming a mother.

There is nothing quite like it.

It's all I've ever wanted.

And hopefully, one day soon, 

I'll be joining you.

Thought of you all on Mother's Day.

Those of you full of joy.

Those of you full of sadness.

Those of you with the rounded edges.

And those of you still dreaming

of becoming a mother.

Godspeed.