Sunday, October 4, 2015
A little warning that this post is about one of my rainbows and if your loss is fresh, please don't read this post. I know after you lose a child the last thing you may want to read is about how someone WITH a child is having a difficult time. I also know though that sometimes we (the Secret Society) give a little leeway when it comes to a Rainbow or a mom who gets loss because she's walked these shoes.
My first Rainbow has been having a tough time lately. It (what she's going through) has been running through my mind so often that it has been difficult to sleep or focus on other things that need my attention. I've been looking back at my parenting to see what it is I could have done to have this happen. Reminds me of when Andrew and E died... how could I have done this... What could I have done differently.
My daughter has been suffering from some pretty major anxiety. I'm not quite sure where it has come from or why, but what I am now certain of is that she's going to be OK. I don't know when, but I'm certain of it. I have that hope. I have that truth.
My daughter loves to write (imagine that) and I feel has been so strong because she's perhaps learned a lesson that takes most of us (me included) a lot longer to figure out. When you ask for help or tell someone what you're going through a little of the weight you're carrying gets shared and the journey become bearable. She has been able to write about her feelings and while I don't like hearing how she feels that she will be "swept away in a hurricane of tears," I am glad that she did share that with me. I have felt that way. None of these feelings is unique to one person... in fact, when you start talking, you realize that we're more the same than we are different.
Taking her lead of sharing, I have sought out my own weight carriers. The members of the Secret Society who walked with me ~carried me even sometimes~ when I couldn't go it alone. I shared and realized that I am not alone in this... my child is not alone in this... There are many who are sitting alone wondering where. how. when. why.
I feel like that happened today. I shared our story and my friends shared theirs and somehow this weight we've been carrying just got lighter. My time is now. Her time is now. It's not easy but nothing worth having ever has been. I'm getting up. We're putting one foot in front of the other. We'll get there.