One Week Later... A rambling mess...

 

**Trigger warning. This post talks about a suicide.**

I've had SO many people reach out to me and I am beyond grateful for that. It has meant the world to me and brought me happy tears as well. Thank you for asking. Thank you for caring. 

I thought I'd write an update.

It's one week later.

I have learned so much more about what happened that day.

I know some details.

I am someone who NEEDS details. I am glad to have some. I'm also sad that I have some. I don't think I will FOIA the report. I don't know if I want more in my brain. The social worker told me- I may not want that in my brain. I go back and forth. back and forth. back and forth.

I know his name.

I've seen his picture.

I've read his obituary.

He sounded like a very nice man.

I'm so very sad.

There has not been a day that has gone by that I have not thought about him, or his wife, or his sons, or his dog. When I am awake, I would bet that I think about it hourly.

It's kind of like it was with Andrew- always there- when another conversation lasts a bit too long, I start hearing the adults in Charlie Brown- wah wah wah wah. All I think about is the accident.

I don't want to be like this.

I'm still trying so desperately to make sense or something that does not make sense.

I've had two therapy sessions.

I have 3 bruises.

One is quite large.

One is small.

One is on the smaller side but still a deep purple.

The other bruises are yellowing and starting to fade.

I know eventually they will be gone.

I do know that one day I will not think about it like this.

Contstantly.

My life feels so different but no where near how different their life is.

Why do I compare?

Am I comparing?

My brain is like a skipped record and I absolutely hate it! I read lots of books but I find my mind wandering and having to go back- I try to watch TV- mind wandering- How do I stop this???

School is better. I don't sit down- but if I do, I'm thinking about it- even if just a moment.

And then there's my car.

My first experience talking to the company was NOT good and we got disconnected and she never called back and suddenly- I'm angry.

It was an emotion I hadn't really felt but I am now angry. 

I'm angry about all of this.

What a shift.

I'm angry that a car that I loved and was paid for is probably totaled (the police thought it would be).

I'm angry that I live in a no-fault state where MY insurance rates will go up and I (stress on that I) will have to pay a thousand dollar deductible (and yes- will probably need a new-er car that will included car payments again).

I'm angry that my son went through this and though seems fine but if he isn't I would have no idea because I can't crawl inside his head and he doesn't want to be known as "that kid in the accident."

I'm angry realizing that someone didn't think about the consequences of his actions not just on a family that loved him but on perfect strangers who are now part of this story.

But I'm REALLY angry that I'm angry at all.

I can't be angry at him. I can't.

I'm not ok.

And I suppose that's ok.

At least my therapist says so- and I laugh because I wrote about Not Being OK HERE not all that long ago.

I had a date with my husband today. We always do date nights on Wednesday. It was supposed to be like this last week. He's concerned and caring and all the things I want him to be.

I had a massage. My mom booked it for me since I had no time. We are working without a contract so we are not coming early or staying late. I feel rushed and like I can't get everything in. I'm angry at my employer.

I have a doctor apt tomorrow. I was told to get checked out. Just in case. I'm angry I have to wake up so early for an apt since I don't want to miss anymore work.

I'm angry that S had to write out another statement for insurance and I read it and he said he saw the man get out of the vehicle. I'm angry I didn't know this. I'm angry that I want to know if they made eye contact. I'm angry that I don't want to ask S about this when he just wants to forget it. I'm angry that my brain hurts.

I don't want this to cost me like it is.

I don't want this to cost his family anything.

I'm a mess.

I'm angry.

And yes- I'm still sad.

But I've seen my share of trauma. I've come out on the other end stronger and better. I WILL do that again.

And so.

I'm just sad again.

Sad for his family.

Sad for him.

Sad for S.

Sad for our family (financial)

Sad for me.

One week later...

(and if you are the parent who left a comment on my last post- I am dying to reach out to you and tell you I'm so sorry- and tell you that I imagine your head is all over the place- and ask you if I can help? If I can send you love from my class? If I can do something- anything- because I have this insane desire to do something- even little- maybe me just telling you that I haven't stopped thinking of YOU is something too. I don't know. I'm such a rambler....................................)

And isn't that how it goes?

So many of us walking through life with these hurts and hards and messes.

I'm thankful for those moments where we can find the good

the date- the friend reunion- the massage- the emails- the calls- the flowers- the popcorn-the therapy

Gosh it helps to write it out.

And share it.

And that you help me shoulder it.

Thank you,

L