Sunday, April 19, 2009

My Tears

I wondered if it would ever happen. But I didn't think it would.

I had no concept of time, but I had the nights.
I had so many nights. And the nights were our's.

The nights were our time. My new baby would sleep. My husband would sleep. And I would grab his journal. I would grab his journal and sit curled up in a chair, cry and write him. I wondered if it would ever stop- my tears- I wondered how it was possible that I did not run out of tears, but then again this was my son. And he was gone. How could I not cry? How could I not do this every single night? Not write to him? Not cry out his name? Not cry?

I wondered if it would ever happen. But I didn't think it would.

And yet it happened. One night it happened. Months and months later, it happened. I sat there, and I looked out the window at the starry sky and I knew- I didn't need to cry and I wouldn't cry. I could have done it. I could have thought of him and missed him and not cried.

And that made me cry.

My grief was mine. It was all I had. The only thing I had. I had my dreams and my tears. My dreams died when he left- and now my tears were leaving too. Letting go of my grief- my tears- felt as if I was letting go of him. Somehow I was moving on. And a mother shouldn't move on-

The night I couldn't cry, I cried.

I felt I had failed as a mother. I was moving on. I was leaving behind my dreams, my grief, my tears.

And so my nights passed. And sometimes I wrote him without tears. But I remembered. I could look to his heaven and smile. I could close my eyes and see him. I knew he was there. I knew he was safe. And I could smile.

And so I remember him. And sometimes I cry- but mostly I smile. I smile and breathe. He's made me stronger. He's grown me up and taught me lessons that perhaps I may never have known had not God placed him in my life.

I look to his heaven and I know he's there smiling back because his mom found her strength- the strength to let go of a grief that had gripped her- Had taken her hostage. She was able to let it go- and when she opened her eyes he was still there- still residing in her heart- still as close to her as ever- maybe more.

He knew. He had forgiven. And so could she. Forgiven herself. For losing him. But not for letting go. She would never let go. Not really.

And he knows.

4 comments:

  1. I so can relate to this, when the continuous every day crying ends... I too felt so bad, like I was betraying them or something..forgetting, moving on... how could I do that? but I think you are right, it makes them happy that their parents can think of them and be happy, not so sad and full of grief. We will always love our babies, and hold them in our hearts.

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  2. Laura- Your strength is amazing.
    Andrew is definitely smiling back and knowing he has a WONDERFUL mother!
    I love you friend!

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  3. Laura- Your strength is amazing.
    Andrew is definitely smiling back and knowing he has a WONDERFUL mother!
    I love you friend!

    ReplyDelete

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