Friday, April 24, 2009

The Wonderings

When I was little I wondered about it.

I wondered if I had a twin what it would be like.

I wondered what she would have looked like- what it would have been like to grow up with a friend so close to me- what it would have been like to have someone to share all my secrets with- my childhood- my adulthood.

But I didn't have a twin.

But he did.

And he's starting to wonder.

I never know when to expect them- but they come.

The Wonderings.

"Did he look like me?"
"I think so."

"Does he still see me?"
"I think he does, Joe."

"Can I talk to him?"
"If you want. I do."

And after he asks a question he'll begin to talk about something else, but I look at him and I know. I know he's filed it away. Trying to figure out the puzzle of what his story is. Some pieces I have and I can give him now- others I will wait to share- and some I will never know. But he's filing away the pieces he has. Trying to make them fit. His wonderings.

And I know he hasn't always looked to me to for his answers. Some he has found in his heart.

At school he was talking about heaven- and he was overheard by his teacher telling his friends that there is a castle there.- and when asked by another child who the castle belonged to- He replied, that the castle is for everyone and that he would see Andrew there- that Andrew was his brother- and that he can go there because Jesus died on the cross and rose to heaven so we can all go there to.

To the castle.

And he is- no doubt in a Grand Castle in the midst of a Savior who rescued me. Who saved us. And, like Jonasen, I have found answers in my heart. I can see Andrew. Now five. And I talk to him. And I like to think he knows. But I will continue to wonder, and to ponder and to try to fit the pieces together as best I can.

My Wonderings.

But I know some pieces will always be lost- just beyond my grasp- But perhaps I'll find them again, when I go to that Grand Castle.


  1. i know you will, my friend...<3

  2. It is amazing how they ask questions... they are so interested, and then quick as a flash are onto a new topic. Drew does this often about the girls... It is neat to see their little minds at work, trying so hard to understand.

  3. quite imaginative and vivid in creativity ...

  4. Dear Laura,
    These times are always difficult for our precious lost babies siblings. My other two darling children often ask questions and struggle with the loss of their precious older brother Nicholas.
    I would so love to honour Andrew's memory on my memorial page.
    I you would like to view my memorial page the address is:
    Your writings are so beautiful and creative.
    Lots of love,
    Kay xxxx

  5. Happy Mothers Day,
    Thinking of you in my heart,
    Lots of Love, Hugs & Kisses,
    Kay xxxx

  6. You will most certainly find those lost pieces when you're reunited with your precious Andrew. Joe will continue to piece together the puzzle, weaving the fabric that is his story, which is also Andrew's story. Always intertwined, though separated.

  7. I hope we will. I truly do.

    It was interesting to read about your conversations with Joe about Andrew. And how Joe has found answers on his own. Thank you for posting them.

    I wonder what my daughter will ask about her twin sister.

  8. Happy Mothers Day,
    Thinking of you in my heart,
    Lots of Love, Hugs & Kisses,
    Kay xxxx


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