Sunday, June 14, 2009

Why? But Why Not?

When Andrew died, and then I lost Baby E- I remember thinking, "Why?" "Why me?" "Why did you do this to me?" Sometimes I would think about it- Other times I would scream it! Scream it at Him! "God Why? I love you! Why ME?"

Children are a blessing from God- there is no doubt about it- but they are not rewards for how we live our lives- As a teacher I know of children who are abused, neglected- and often times are surrounded by a house full of siblings and it breaks my heart-

And then I have dear friends who should have a home full of children- Who would be amazing parents- and they have no one. I don't understand it? Why?

But children are not a reward nor are they a punishment if we do not have them- or they are taken too soon. But still I wonder why?

"Why?" was a question that I asked often when I thought of my childhood friend.

When I was pregnant with my little girl, she was pregnant with her little boy- her first- Our children were due three days apart from each other-

My friend.
My sweet friend.
A person who clearly the sun shone on.
She is grace. She is beauty. She is kindness.

Her son came early. Too early. But he hung on.

She learned early that tomorrow was unknown. Tomorrow. I wondered about her tomorrows. For two years she lived that- unsure- unknowing what tomorrow would bring.

He fought, and though he was not healthy and it was so hard- he lived- he lived and he was loved. He was beautiful and no one saw that more than my dear friend. No one loved him more. I'd watch her with him- loving him- gazing at him and I'd wonder- "Why?" "Why her?"

I was in awe of her. How she could live each day not knowing if this would be the day he would be called home. The day the suffering would end- She lived each day and was the best, most wonderful mom to her son for as long as she could be- and she continues to be- an amazing mom.

When he passed I spent days and weeks and months thinking about them. Wondering. Imagining the empty house. The murmur of the oxygen tank gone. I felt pain for them. I ached for them and I wondered, "Why?"

And it wasn't long into my wonderings and my journaling that I found the answer. I think that God had a very special boy who deserved two very special parents. The question of "Why?" suddenly became, "Why not?" What better choice for this boy than his amazing parents who loved him and honored him from the day he was born until the day he took his last breath- and beyond. He was chosen for them. A special boy for two very special people.

As angel parents we have a choice- we can say "Why me?" and I would gather that the majority of us have asked that question- I know I have... (many times)

But now ask yourself "why not?" If you're reading this, perhaps there is someone's memory that you're keeping alive, or thinking about- right now.
Someone who came into your life for a purpose-
Someone who touched your life so that you could touch others.

I've heard your stories at meetings and been changed-
I've read your blogs and been changed.
You have been given a gift- to share your gift- share the love you had- and still have.

Who is your someone?

Don't keep them to yourself-
Share your story-
Share them-
Share your lessons and remember that each life is a blessing-
Each life has a story-
Each life has a purpose-

Will you share it?
I hope so!
Why not?

You were chosen- and for it you will be stronger- you will be wiser- you will be blessed.
You will see it-
One day.
If you haven't felt it yet- I pray one day you will- In the quiet moments I pray it will find you- tiptoe silently into your thoughts- in quiet moments I hope you will pause and say, "thank you." Thank you for choosing me- A special parent- for a special and precious life.


  1. speaks to me
    love ya girl

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  3. ah yes, I remember a moment not long ago when I realized not everyone can have angel babies, not everyone could handle what we did, not everyone could not only be a vessel for life but a vessel that can carry angels.

  4. I wanted to thank you very much for your comment on my blog... it means so much to know someone is reading Nicholas' story.

    This post is so profound.... thank you. I look forward to reading about your sweet Andrew and Baby E.

    Be back to visit very soon.

  5. I spent two years amazed by these wonderful parents too. I remember when I first had my loss thinking, if they could get through their ordeal with that much grace and love then surely I could too. This was before I met all my new friends that teach me this every month, over and over again.

  6. What a lovely post.

    Andrew and Baby E are both remembered so beautifully here in this place by their mama. They have certainly touched my life.

    I've just read Andrew and E's birth stories again today. I am so sorry that you lost your precious son and your lively little spark. I'm glad that you chose to share their stories with us. Thank you. xx

  7. You are a wise woman and I'm so very glad you found me and reached out to invite me to HUGS!

    Of course I have had the "Why me?" thoughts. Who hasn't? But I have also realized that I am no better than anyone else, so why not me? Why not my family? Why not a family that can overcome the tragedy that is the loss of a child? Why not a family in which she will be remembered daily and with love? Why not me?

  8. How lucky for Andrew and Baby E to have such a wonderful mother. I envy your ability to finda a purpose, and to look for a way to turn this into an opportunity to touch/help others. I pray that I will put aside my own anger filled questions and find peace in this as well. Beautiful post. Beautiful thoughts.

  9. Thanks for your comment on my post

    There are such similarities and amazing how we came to the same place by different routes. This post was before I had discovered your blog I think. I love your thinking here. It is hard not to become bitter in the midst of the pain, but I don't think healing is found that way is it?



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