Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Sweet Relief- and Fear

This is not my memory talking now.
This is my here.
This is my now.

I found myself driving to my appointment and when I learned my husband wouldn't be able to make it I could feel myself begin to tremble. Didn't he know that this was the big ultrasound? This was the one where so many of my friends had gotten the news- something was wrong- what they had dreamed and thought would happen had suddenly changed? This was the day they went down the other road- the path I've traveled- I didn't want that! I wanted to stay on course!

I began to tremble and I began to think...
And perhaps that's why I haven't thought- and haven't dreamed.

When I found myself pregnant six months after I lost Andrew, I thought that I had put my pregnancy out of my mind- but the truth was I hadn't. I was angry at God- but still in love with my baby and praying that my heart wouldn't be taken from me again.
And it wasn't.
It grew!

Two years after that- pregnant again and it was a little easier- my heart grew again.

And then E came and left- and we were broken- back to square one.
Afraid to be pregnant, afraid not to be.

And so my belly has been growing, and people have been asking- but not me. I don't talk too much about it. I don't think about it- I consume myself with thoughts of work, family, friends and the happenings of the day- not the kicks that I feel- not my lack of energy- my expanding waistline-

Am I protecting myself again?
I'm sure of it.

But my guard is down- my armor stripped-

And so today when I was told- 'perfect' and I saw a little foot upon the screen, and heard the strong heartbeat- I tried to fight the lump in my throat- but it was no use- the tears came-
like floods-

Sweet relief.
And fear.

Now it is real. Now it could happen. A perfectly healthy baby-

But a perfectly healthy baby was who he was-
albeit a cord-
the very thing that gave him life, took it away.

So please- keep my baby F in your prayers- keep me in your prayers-

It's officially begun.

I'm pregnant
I'm in love
and I'm terrified.

15 comments:

  1. Laura- I am so happy for you!
    You are so amazing, your words are my thoughts.
    This is happening, it can happen- Believe in the hope and the strength you have and know I am here for you EVERY step of your journey! I love you friend!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Such a way with words.... thinking of you & keeping you guys in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  3. loved this post, so touching.. i will definitely keep you and baby f in my prayers!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm pregnant
    I'm in love
    and I'm terrified.

    Completely understand how you are feeling. I am always here for you Laura. Even though we really don't know each other we're bonded by our angels! Love Ya Hun! *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  5. Like everything else this pregnancy, I am 4 weeks behind you. Still ignoring it as much as possible and keeping busy so not to think to much. I will be in love in 3 weeks!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Amazing, Laura! This is so how I was feeling 2 years ago, while pregnant w/ sweet Caroline. I am right there with you, and know your fear, relief, feelings of being in love but all too scared to let yourself love... All I can say is Baby F is lucky to have you as his/her mommy. Can't wait to welcome Baby F into the world. There's already so much love for him/her!! Love you, friend. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  7. Wow, Laura! You express your feelings and emotions in words we can all understand and feel. Sending thoughts and prayers for you and your "baby F."

    ReplyDelete
  8. Laura, as you know my 20 week ultrasound with Baby Hope was the beginning of the end last time. I had my 20 week this time around and left feeling like I actually had a baby! Its such a relief to get good news !! Very very happy for you!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. You have lots of friends Laura. Supportive friends. I am continueing praying for you and the baby. This was touching. I still am feeling at peace with this for you. Power of prayer!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Continue to keep you and Baby F in my prayers.... so glad all was well.

    ReplyDelete
  11. You are so amazing with your words...
    I find that you are so comforting and
    know just what to say to help you, and us! :)
    I will pray for you :) I am so glad Amber "Introduced" us ;) You are such a great friend.

    Best wishes!! :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. You are so amazing with your words...
    I find that you are so comforting and
    know just what to say to help you, and us! :)
    I will pray for you :) I am so glad Amber "Introduced" us ;) You are such a great friend.

    Best wishes!! :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. You have lots of friends Laura. Supportive friends. I am continueing praying for you and the baby. This was touching. I still am feeling at peace with this for you. Power of prayer!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Wow, Laura! You express your feelings and emotions in words we can all understand and feel. Sending thoughts and prayers for you and your "baby F."

    ReplyDelete
  15. Such a way with words.... thinking of you & keeping you guys in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete

Your thoughts?