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Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Sweet Relief- and Fear

This is not my memory talking now.
This is my here.
This is my now.

I found myself driving to my appointment and when I learned my husband wouldn't be able to make it I could feel myself begin to tremble. Didn't he know that this was the big ultrasound? This was the one where so many of my friends had gotten the news- something was wrong- what they had dreamed and thought would happen had suddenly changed? This was the day they went down the other road- the path I've traveled- I didn't want that! I wanted to stay on course!

I began to tremble and I began to think...
And perhaps that's why I haven't thought- and haven't dreamed.

When I found myself pregnant six months after I lost Andrew, I thought that I had put my pregnancy out of my mind- but the truth was I hadn't. I was angry at God- but still in love with my baby and praying that my heart wouldn't be taken from me again.
And it wasn't.
It grew!

Two years after that- pregnant again and it was a little easier- my heart grew again.

And then E came and left- and we were broken- back to square one.
Afraid to be pregnant, afraid not to be.

And so my belly has been growing, and people have been asking- but not me. I don't talk too much about it. I don't think about it- I consume myself with thoughts of work, family, friends and the happenings of the day- not the kicks that I feel- not my lack of energy- my expanding waistline-

Am I protecting myself again?
I'm sure of it.

But my guard is down- my armor stripped-

And so today when I was told- 'perfect' and I saw a little foot upon the screen, and heard the strong heartbeat- I tried to fight the lump in my throat- but it was no use- the tears came-
like floods-

Sweet relief.
And fear.

Now it is real. Now it could happen. A perfectly healthy baby-

But a perfectly healthy baby was who he was-
albeit a cord-
the very thing that gave him life, took it away.

So please- keep my baby F in your prayers- keep me in your prayers-

It's officially begun.

I'm pregnant
I'm in love
and I'm terrified.

15 comments:

  1. Laura- I am so happy for you!
    You are so amazing, your words are my thoughts.
    This is happening, it can happen- Believe in the hope and the strength you have and know I am here for you EVERY step of your journey! I love you friend!

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  2. Such a way with words.... thinking of you & keeping you guys in my prayers.

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  3. loved this post, so touching.. i will definitely keep you and baby f in my prayers!

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  4. I'm pregnant
    I'm in love
    and I'm terrified.

    Completely understand how you are feeling. I am always here for you Laura. Even though we really don't know each other we're bonded by our angels! Love Ya Hun! *hugs*

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  5. Like everything else this pregnancy, I am 4 weeks behind you. Still ignoring it as much as possible and keeping busy so not to think to much. I will be in love in 3 weeks!

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  6. Amazing, Laura! This is so how I was feeling 2 years ago, while pregnant w/ sweet Caroline. I am right there with you, and know your fear, relief, feelings of being in love but all too scared to let yourself love... All I can say is Baby F is lucky to have you as his/her mommy. Can't wait to welcome Baby F into the world. There's already so much love for him/her!! Love you, friend. xoxo

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  7. Wow, Laura! You express your feelings and emotions in words we can all understand and feel. Sending thoughts and prayers for you and your "baby F."

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  8. Laura, as you know my 20 week ultrasound with Baby Hope was the beginning of the end last time. I had my 20 week this time around and left feeling like I actually had a baby! Its such a relief to get good news !! Very very happy for you!!

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  9. You have lots of friends Laura. Supportive friends. I am continueing praying for you and the baby. This was touching. I still am feeling at peace with this for you. Power of prayer!

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  10. Continue to keep you and Baby F in my prayers.... so glad all was well.

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  11. You are so amazing with your words...
    I find that you are so comforting and
    know just what to say to help you, and us! :)
    I will pray for you :) I am so glad Amber "Introduced" us ;) You are such a great friend.

    Best wishes!! :)

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  12. You are so amazing with your words...
    I find that you are so comforting and
    know just what to say to help you, and us! :)
    I will pray for you :) I am so glad Amber "Introduced" us ;) You are such a great friend.

    Best wishes!! :)

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  13. You have lots of friends Laura. Supportive friends. I am continueing praying for you and the baby. This was touching. I still am feeling at peace with this for you. Power of prayer!

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  14. Wow, Laura! You express your feelings and emotions in words we can all understand and feel. Sending thoughts and prayers for you and your "baby F."

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  15. Such a way with words.... thinking of you & keeping you guys in my prayers.

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