Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The Secret Garden Meeting

The Secret Garden Meeting is a wonderful blog for women who have lost children. It asks them about their experiences and then allows them to post and read about one another's experience. This is my experience- October.

So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in
your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are
you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any
peace at all?
It has been such a long journey, but I can say it now-
It has been the greatest gift-

Full.
For the first time ever, I am full.

It has been six years since I began my journey.
Six years ago I became a mother.
Six years ago I became so much more.

I never dreamed that I would lose a child.
I never dreamed that one could have such a healthy, happy, uneventful pregnancy-
one could get so close-
so very very close-
and yet miss.

Hours-
Mere hours-
but we missed him-
and he left.

I never dreamed I'd feel full. I had one baby but it wasn't enough. When I was pregnant I was expecting babies not a (one) baby. And so I needed to have that feeling again- to be pregnant- to have 'babies'.
And I did.

And I thought it would make me full.
But I wasn't full.
And we added to our family.
And we added to our family.
And I remember talking about it... Were we trying to fill a void that could never be filled. Would we just keep adding to our family in hopes that one day we wouldn't miss him anymore? Would we keep going and never feel 'full'.

But it wasn't my living children who made me full.

I began to see-
By a little boy that I talk to all the time.
By a little boy who has journals all filled with letters that he'll never read- but I think he hears.
By a little boy who gets the kisses I blow each night.
By a little boy who has watched and smiled as his mom grew- and forgave- and healed-
and loved
again.

And my heart has grown, and grown, and grown and grown-
And though there are two pieces gone-
I am full-
I am done-
I am at peace-

Peace is something I thought would never really be part of my story and yet I had glimpses of it- little tastes-
Peace came when I first laughed again
(and didn't feel bad about it-)
Peace came when I chose to live
(and not feel bad about it-)
Peace came when I could take in a deep breath of the crisp fall air
(and be thankful)
Thankful that he was sent to me- even though he flew away too soon.

He was my son.
He is remembered
And I will meet him again.

Full and at peace.
It took a long time.
The greatest gift I've ever received-
And the greatest gifts are not to be kept, but to be shared.
I wish you peace- that one day you would feel it too.
When you're ready-
Full.

10 comments:

  1. What a great post! I hope that one day I will be able to find peace in the small things again too and feel full. *HUGS*

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  2. This brings me tears, Laura. I wish this for myself and all grieving moms. I'm going to print this one out. You are amazing.

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  3. This was really, really good!! There are still times when I feel empty and I pray that I will get to the point where I will always feel full.

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  4. I hoping for it here, very soon. Love you!

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  5. Inspiring. Thank you so much for sharing that. It's like seeing the light at the end of this dark tunnel. xo

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  6. How absolutely beautiful and inspiring and pure. What wonderful thoughts to share. What wonderful hope and peace to offer to those of us just beginning our journey through this grief. Thank you.

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  7. Laura, please email me caring4carleigh@yahoo.com. I have some photos for you.

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  8. May peace and love surround and enfold you all. Hugs Grandma Judy

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  9. How absolutely beautiful and inspiring and pure. What wonderful thoughts to share. What wonderful hope and peace to offer to those of us just beginning our journey through this grief. Thank you.

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