Monday, January 4, 2010

How is he?

He keeps me up more than the others-
I wonder what's behind his words-
his thoughts-
his eyes-
I wish I could know what he thinks about-
and sometimes he gives me a look into what I long to know...

How is he?

He's been raised a singleton- a twinless twin- with a sister 15 months younger that is often mistaken for his twin.
He's always had company-
a built in playgroup-
and yet he is my quiet one, my thinker,
and I wonder...

How is he?

Today was the first day back to school and while he normally is bubbling with excitement, today he didn't want to go.
He didn't want to play with his 'normal' group-
and that's o.k.
But he seemed so sad...

How is he?

I worried about him all day
Don't worry- they said- it's just kids going back after being home so long-
the new toys- his siblings at home playing- it's just kids...

Is it?

He came home and I asked him.
I asked him about his friends and he said he spent his recess with Andrew.
It didn't cross my mind- not even for a moment as I asked him about this new friend I hadn't heard him mention before.

But I had heard him mention him.

"My brother mom. The one who died."

I felt my eyes begin to well and prayed that they wouldn't give me up- that he wouldn't see me cry. He hasn't seen me cry in so long for his brother- A memory he has probably long since forgotten...

"I went on a walk- just he and I on the mountain of snow. I think I'll play with Tyler tomorrow."

Raising children is hard. I don't want my children to be the smartest, or the most popular, but I want them to be happy. Happy and full- and to know beyond a shadow of a doubt how special they are- how much I treasure every thing about them- how they are so very, very loved- I know they feel it and still I wonder...

How is he?

Most of the time happy. Most of the time bubbling with excitement and laughing at the days-

But sometimes I watch him pause- and I make assumptions- and I get so angry- so angry that he can't go on walks with Andrew where others can see the two of them. Angry that he is a twin without his twin. Angry that I have to guess what he's thinking- when his eyes get quiet-

My thinker-
Am I angry? Or just sad?

I hold onto these things. These pieces. I want so much to read into all of it- to know- to know beyond a shadow of a doubt- that he's o.k. That he is full. That he doesn't want for anything- for anyone-

How is he?

Right now, I just don't know. So I will hug him and kiss him and always tell him how much I love him and how special he is. For right now he is fine- sleeping and dreaming about his new pet fish- the walk with Andrew- perhaps forgotten-

Perhaps forgotten by him-
but not his mother.

16 comments:

  1. I wish that everyone could have seen both your boys on their walk.
    Thank you for writing this post Laura.
    I have so many of these thoughts myself, just wondering what the future will hold for my own daughter, growing up without her twin.

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  2. Hugs says it all sometimes Laura. It is great that he can talk with you. Keeping the communication open is a treasure you are giving him. Hugs for you Laura and for a great mom you are and will be.
    Ronda

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  3. oh Laura- I can only imagine how that would feel...I'm sure had either one of my boys survived on their own, I would thinking along the same lines as you. I KNOW I would. I would want to know what my boy was thinking, how he felt- whether he felt full...i get that my friend.

    The minute I read Andrew a lump caught in my throat....special Joe- I love you without knowing you matey...I wish your brother was going to school with you, you sweet boy.

    I guess he will communicate with you more about that over time as he begins to understand more???! maybe.

    loving you lots Laura xx

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  4. Oh Laura ~ how GOOD that Jonasen knows Andrew in a special way that allows him to meet with him, converse with him and then share that experience with you - the only other person in his life who truly understands. I'm sure he met with Andrew the same way you do in your moments of pause. Jonasen is finding ways to deal with the fact that a piece of him is missing and always will be until they are reunited in Heaven. He's finding ways to deal with all of it the same way you and I deal with the fact that one of our twins is missing and we're raising our survivors the best way we know how. It's uncharted territory for us, and for them. Chloe tells me often how much she misses Zoe - or those moments when she really wishes Zoe was here in the flesh growing up beside her. And, yes, she sees my tears and I tell her that I do too. We hug. We share our tears. And, we go on together. Moments of pause. (Heavy sigh.)

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  5. I love love love this post. Why because it shows the connection that you and your son still have with Andrew. I am just starting my walk in grief and this gives me hope that in a few years I will still have the connection to my babies and not just forget like Im scared that one day I will. *HUGS*

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  6. L-
    Joey is so sweet and peaceful. I think it is great that he has these moments. I have them with my best friend that died all the time. I walk and talk things over and sometimes cry and wish he could hold me, and then deep breathe and back to the grind. I think when you want to feel angry you should take a que from joey...aww he makes me smile so big over here. "from the mouths of babes" ... he has so much wisdom for so few years.
    sending love and good thoughts your way
    -J.Mamma

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  7. Laura,
    That is truly amazing. That Joey is one special kid. You not only brought tears to my eyes but a smile to my face, as I know Andrew is truly remembered. I love you friend.

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  8. Oh WOW! How precious it is that your son takes walks with his twin that isn't here. Children are very intuitive and can see things we adults can't. I'm sure his twin is by his side always and helps him through his tough times. But I know it is hard on you not knowing for sure how he is doing. May God guide you through each and every day. *hugs*

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  9. Great post Laura, and its a great question. How is he really? Only he knows, but he will always tell you if you ask :) Love, Nan xo

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  10. What a great post. It's obvious the connection between them is still there.

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  11. There is no end to our worry....I read it somewhere that our worry for our children begins with the first prenatal vitamin we put in our mouths. That is so true. We will always worry. But Jonasen is loved SOOO much. From both ends of this world---down here and up there. He is going to be okay. He is better than okay. Because he hs someone very special watching over him and taking particularly good care of him. I hope you are okay, too, Laura. Hugs to you.
    Christy

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  12. laura....thanks so much for sharing these beautiful moments. jonasen is such a sweet, loving boy...and he gets that from his sweet, loving family. they say that children are much more in tune to those we have lost...obviously, jonasen has this special gift and i hope he does not outgrow it. not only are these special moments for him, but also for you when he shares them. <3 you lots.

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  13. I don't know how I missed this post. It must be so hard on you to wonder. I love that Joey can share this with you. You always hear about the connection with twins, this is so beautiful. I pray that both of you can always talk about this.

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  14. There is no end to our worry....I read it somewhere that our worry for our children begins with the first prenatal vitamin we put in our mouths. That is so true. We will always worry. But Jonasen is loved SOOO much. From both ends of this world---down here and up there. He is going to be okay. He is better than okay. Because he hs someone very special watching over him and taking particularly good care of him. I hope you are okay, too, Laura. Hugs to you.
    Christy

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  15. L-
    Joey is so sweet and peaceful. I think it is great that he has these moments. I have them with my best friend that died all the time. I walk and talk things over and sometimes cry and wish he could hold me, and then deep breathe and back to the grind. I think when you want to feel angry you should take a que from joey...aww he makes me smile so big over here. "from the mouths of babes" ... he has so much wisdom for so few years.
    sending love and good thoughts your way
    -J.Mamma

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