Friday, December 18, 2009

Just for tonight...

Is it because it's December?
Is it because his name is all over my tree?
Is it because all the talk of angels? Of joy?

This December has been going so fast.
A new babe at home and my children fighting illness.
Presents to wrap- cards to sign-
Going so fast.
No time to pause-

Until today.
I was at his kindergarten party-
Watching him make crafts and eat treats amongst his friends.
I was there-
snapping pictures of his party-

When I left.

I could see him.
The outline of him-
Near his brother-
Stringing beads on an ornament that would go on our tree.
Stringing beads.

How I wanted to focus though-
to see his face-
but all I saw was a shadow-
a shadow of him-
a dream.

What had made me go there?

As I snapped my picture, I saw my son.
Sandwiched between two boys-
two boys-
wearing the same thing-
the same hair-
the same eyes-
the same last name-
two boys-
brothers.

I took this picture of him- of him between them- and my mind was far away from the reality of the room I was in.

The rawness of when I first learned that Jonasen was in a class with twin boys has worn off. I can look at them- I watched them interact and I wondered what it would have been like... what it should have been like...
I watched their father helping one and I desperately wanted to go to him- to tell him- Jonasen was a twin- he was a twin- I had twins too- I had them- I had him- I did-

Slow motion-
My fog-
My black and white-
Only his outline-
Fuzzy.

I sat there with a heavy heart- hidden by my plastic smile-
No one knew-
No one knew I had gone there-
To where I had him-
in my dreams.

I miss you sweet Andrew. I'm missing you tonight.

I'm looking at the mantle and wishing you had a stocking to fill.
I'm looking at the tree and wishing you had ornaments with your face sewn between pieces of felt.
I'm looking to the heavens and although I feel peace and I know you are safe...
I look to your heaven and I dream
and wonder
and wish
Wish you were here with me... just for tonight-
here-
in my arms.
I love you my sweet boy.

19 comments:

  1. My heart is heavy tonight as well. I wish we could all have our babies back in our arms.

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  2. I don't think I could have composed myself as well as you. I think I would've started to cry right then and there. In fact, I cried just reading your post. ((hugs))

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  3. I see those shadows and outlines too... I wish so much we could have our babies here with us. Even for tonight like you said.

    big HUGS to you!

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  4. Thinking of you tonight too my friend! I am thinking of you this season also. I'm so glad He gave you a rainbow too. Beautiful post as always. with TEARS and HUGS**

    kc

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  5. So well said. I've gone there - without anyone knowing - so many times. I yearn to see her face - to know what she looks like when her body has life in it. One day I'll know. One day. But for now, I'll hold her surviving twin sister close to me.

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  6. Love you and both your beautiful little boys Laura. HUGS to you and remembering. Wishing we could all have just one night.

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  7. Beautifully written. I too want peopple to know that I had twins, but it is so awkward...you just can't come out and say it...but I wish we could. Thinking of you and all your sweet children. xx

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  8. Love you friend.
    This time of year is always rough. I know we all wish we could have just one night.

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  9. Oh Laura. It must be so very difficult to see Jonasen with the twins in his class.

    I often have that urge, when I see other parents with twins, to say "yes, yes I had twins too." And they would look down at my buggy and see just the one baby.

    I sometimes think I see that fuzzy outline too. Where she would be. A similar looking little girl perhaps? I'll never really know.

    I wish that Andrew could be here with you. xo

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  10. Oh, I know this feeling, wanting to connect, to explain. We see twins everywhere and it's always a challenge to bite my tongue and say nothing about Rosemary, nothing that would upset them.

    I wish you could have him back.

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  11. Oh yes, the shadows. They are everywhere and nowhere, fuzzy and indistinct. Maybe it's only me who can see them, at least in my story, my life. But they are everywhere.

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  12. I have only just discovered your blog but have subscribed straight away. This is a beautiful post that really hits a spot in all of us.

    Like your curveball, I too spoke at my church about when my daughter died - only three months after it happened. I read a poem I had written

    http://livingintherainbow.com/2009/07/23/the-rope/

    I hope you know peace this Christmas

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  13. How often do we "escape" and "go there" in public and others have no idea? No idea that I have escaped, to spend one moment with her...

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  14. (((Hugs)))

    I hope the holiday season was peaceful one for you. <3

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  15. Oh yes, the shadows. They are everywhere and nowhere, fuzzy and indistinct. Maybe it's only me who can see them, at least in my story, my life. But they are everywhere.

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  16. Oh Laura. It must be so very difficult to see Jonasen with the twins in his class.

    I often have that urge, when I see other parents with twins, to say "yes, yes I had twins too." And they would look down at my buggy and see just the one baby.

    I sometimes think I see that fuzzy outline too. Where she would be. A similar looking little girl perhaps? I'll never really know.

    I wish that Andrew could be here with you. xo

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  17. Thinking of you tonight too my friend! I am thinking of you this season also. I'm so glad He gave you a rainbow too. Beautiful post as always. with TEARS and HUGS**

    kc

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  18. My heart is heavy tonight as well. I wish we could all have our babies back in our arms.

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  19. I don't think I could have composed myself as well as you. I think I would've started to cry right then and there. In fact, I cried just reading your post. ((hugs))

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