Friday, December 4, 2009

My Therapy

It became my therapy.
There came a time I think that others were tired of hearing me.
I know it.
But I still needed to talk, and monthly meetings were not enough.

It was my therapy.
My pen.
In those days I took his journal with me to his garden. I wrote him there.
In those days I would write in the nights, curled in a chair in my home. I wrote him there.
I wrote, and I wrote.
And those letters- composed in journals- became my therapy.
My release-

I knew he would never read them, the letters, but the moment they left my pen it was as if I spoke them, as if he heard and that made me feel better. I could write and write and write and he was never tired of hearing about how I loved him, how I missed him, how I wished he were here.

Oh how I wish he were here.

On his last birthday- his sixth birthday- I took his journals with me.
And I read.
I read through tears as I remembered the words. I remembered where I was.
My anger.
My guilt.
My pain.
So many, many pages and I could see myself.
Remember myself.
On all the hills and valleys of this journey I find myself on.

Now my pen has changed. I write him here. I write of him here.
And sometimes I find myself going back and reading what I had said, where I was on that night...
And I read your stories.
Your Therapy-
Where you were that night.
And I wonder where you are now.
And I hope you are well.



And to my fellow bloggers, I turned my blog into a book so I can go back and read it. If you are interested in doing the same to your blog follow this link. Thanks for writing!
Hugs-
Laura

11 comments:

  1. Beautiful, Laura. I have thought about doing that too. Thank you for the reminder :)

    I have read back to the beginning of my blog and in tears I remember too... although it hasn't been that long it has been a journey.\

    HUGS!

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  2. Beautiful as always. You have such a way with words. My beginning isn't so long ago, but seeing that you still hurting for him, longing for him, and loving him, lets me know that I wont forget. I will remember how much I love my Nathan. Thank you for sharing. Hugs to you!

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  3. I have thought many times of doing this. Creating a book from her diagnosis to her first birthday. Of course I have to wait because I haven't reacher her first birthday yet but it's something that I would like to do.

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  4. actually I would start from the moment we found out we were expecting. that's when her story really starts

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  5. Thank you for sharing the link. I've been wanting to preserve some of my posts. Blogging and talking with other women who understand has been my therapy, too. I don't know what women did for support before the internet.

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  6. I sent you an email to your momentsofpause(at)yahoo(.)com account. :)

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  7. We also plan on printing our blog. But I also have a seperate journal where I write to her. I know she won't read it, but it helps to talk to her, and then I feel like I get a chance to say all the things I never will be able to.

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  8. That's wonderful - thank you for sharing the link. (((Hugs)))

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  9. First of all, this is my first visit to your blog and I love it! I have a journal for my Baby Grady who was stillborn one year ago, Nov. 12, 2008. I love writing to him and like you, feel like when I write the words, I'm speaking them from my soul to him. I had no idea what a blog was but found great comfort and hope and new friends going through the same thing as I. I started on in Feb of this year and couldn't be more thankful about that decision. I'm so glad you shared your blog book...it's something I've been thinking about. I would love to have a book for every year that I blog.

    Hugs and blessings to you,
    Tonya

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  10. I sent you an email to your momentsofpause(at)yahoo(.)com account. :)

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  11. I have thought many times of doing this. Creating a book from her diagnosis to her first birthday. Of course I have to wait because I haven't reacher her first birthday yet but it's something that I would like to do.

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