Sunday, April 11, 2010

My Answers (Questions from Holly)

A while ago I wrote a post asking people if they had any questions for me. I have been down this road a bit longer than many- And early on, I found myself seeking out people further on in their journey. Much of what I learned from them helped shape the roads that I took...

So here are some more questions- and my answers-

The following questions come from Holly, who is missing her daughter, Carleigh and has an amazing blog where she remembers and helps others here.


How do you react to comments that are not supportive?

Differently... Early on I ALWAYS would (lovingly- and sometimes not so lovingly) set someone straight if they gave me advice that I didn't like. The reason I did this is because I remember once when someone asked me if Jonasen was my only child, I said, "Yes." and it made me- quite literally- sick to my stomach. I try now to pause and choose my words carefully before answering or addressing someone- but I do respond- And now (because my scabs have healed a bit) I may set someone straight more for the next people they come in contact with- to educate them- so they don't hurt someone in a more fragile state. A state that I spent a lot of time in... My wounds have healed quite a bit- but I still have the scars- those will never heal. I don't want them to.


Who has helped you the most through losing your children?

This is going to sound odd... but I have.

I did a lot of writing and self talking until I learned my way. I made decisions on how I wanted to travel this road and I am proud of (most) of the choices that I made in remembering Andrew and Baby E and carrying on as their mom...

That being said- my mom was a tremendous support because I could talk things out to her and she would be honest with me. At times I would become angry with what she would say, but it helped me sort things out and find my way. The founder of CLIMB (Center for loss in Multiple Birth) answered many of my questions about raising a twinless twin and I did many things based on her advice. My support group, HUGS, was huge in my healing- and I'm sure this blogging community would have been had I known about 'blogs' then... I imagine had I started blogging back in 2003, my writing would have looked a lot different- I know it would have as I (in a sense) have a blog kept in my journals of letters to Andrew...



What moment was the most difficult in each journey?

It is so hard to pinpoint one moment... As they are still coming- especially in raising Andrew's surviving twin, Jonasen. Early moments that come to me (with Andrew) were leaving the hospital without him and everyone thinking I was just a happy mom to a singleton... Learning how to forgive myself for being happy to have a living child- and learning to forgive myself for being sad for having lost a child- It took me a while to find that balance. Getting Andrew's Ashes and seeing hospital pictures were also very low moments in my journey...

With Baby E- it was that day I went and saw the ultrasound was blank. I literally believed that God had spared my child. Trying to get pregnant again became very scary too because where I had always feared losing a baby LATE in pregnancy (Andrew died at 39 weeks) I now had to worry about early on. My daughter also (though young) talks about her 'sister' Baby E- and not knowing for sure if Baby E was a boy or girl has been very hard.

3 comments:

  1. Thanks so much for answering my questions!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. the babe we miscarried- i always felt it was "fragile"...that I had to protect it.
    I still would so desperately love to know whether they were a he or a she. I always felt it was a little girl though....no idea why :)

    I still find the hospital pictures VERY hard to look at nearly a year later. Though I know they had their big brothers cutesy little features and seeing those pics helps remind me I didn't conjure them up in my imagination!

    ReplyDelete
  3. the babe we miscarried- i always felt it was "fragile"...that I had to protect it.
    I still would so desperately love to know whether they were a he or a she. I always felt it was a little girl though....no idea why :)

    I still find the hospital pictures VERY hard to look at nearly a year later. Though I know they had their big brothers cutesy little features and seeing those pics helps remind me I didn't conjure them up in my imagination!

    ReplyDelete

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