My Answers (Questions from a Great Dad!)

One of the wonderful things about the Internet is you get the opportunity to 'meet' people from all over the world. One of those people that I have met is from Living in the Rainbow- these are the questions he asked... along of course with my answers...

1) what things do you have in your home to remember Andrew and Baby E?

When I first got my pictures back of Andrew, I'd envisioned myself plastering them around the house. That didn't happen. But signs of Andrew are everywhere. Andrew was cremated and I wrote here about the perfect gift we found to keep his ashes. It is out in the open, with a picture of Jonasen's hand with my husband's wedding band. We also have a framed picture of Jonasen with his brother's brick and other pictures like that around the house. Above our fireplace we have pictures of all of our children in frames- and in frames the bricks with Andrew and Baby E on them- as they are part of our family- and no one will miss that when coming into our house.

Baby E's picture (though it is only an ultrasound) is also in a frame next to a picture of our daughter's feet in my hand (below). Baby E is not as present as Andrew in our house- though we also have in a frame the paper we picked up with just one letter- the letter E- on it the day we lost our precious babe.

2) what were the most helpful things people said to you in your grief?

This question was easy for me.

His name.

I loved that people would address Andrew by his name- days later- months later- years later. People probably don't realize it but something about hearing people say his name- always makes me smile- and feel full. It means that they remember- that he meant something to others- that his life meant something. And now- (five years after Andrew was born and gone) people still remember our little spark- and refer to (her ?) as Baby E- That makes me smile too.

3) what were the least helpful?

Two things come quickly to mind with this question.

The first was when people would see me so very sad and they'd say, "It'll get better in time." I HATED that- and still do. While I know there is some truth in this statement- what I heard was- this too shall pass- he will pass- you will forget him- you will get over this. That I now know will never be true- but it scared me that I might forget. I will never forget. I'm sure I had said something like this before losing Andrew- that things will feel better in time. I've since taken that statement out of my vocabulary.

The other thing that used to bother me was when people (who had never lost a child) would say things like, "At least he didn't live for a while and THEN die."

First- I have learned through this journey that you cannot compare grief. One person's grief is not more than another person's- it's DIFFERENT. One is not 'harder' than another- it's different. And while it is certainly easier to remember a child who lived- or one that was stillborn- some people (me) choose to also remember the little sparks they had- that left too soon- but still were dreamed about. I choose to dream still- which is why I still remember.

4) what do you think heaven is like?

Ah. I like this question. To me heaven is the most beautiful place- I dream in black and white- but heaven to me is full of vibrant colors. When I close my eyes and dream of going there, the first thing I imagine is falling at the feet of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ- I wonder if I'll have the words to thank Him- for getting me through this- but I know He'll know my heart. Then I imagine him picking me up off the floor (like He has done so many times) and introducing me to two very special people I've waited a lifetime to see- to look into their eyes. I can't wait to get there! This sounds morbid- but it's not. When I die, I pray that people will celebrate! I've had such an amazing life (even at the young age of 34)- amazing because I appreciate it so- mostly because of the lessons I've learned- and the people who have graced it. Until I die, I will take my lessons and share them with my children and anyone else who cares to listen!

5) have you had doubts in your faith? if so how have you overcome them?

Doubts in my faith.

No.

I wish I knew why doubt did not come to me when I know it has for so many (including my husband.) It took him a while, but I am very happy that he has overcome h.is doubts.

But if you had asked- had been angry with God?

Absolutely! And I guess I doubted him in a sense- I would ask Him- why didn't He save my child if He loved me so much?

I remember screaming at Him! Cursing Him! Wondering Why? I can remember those moments- (I still have them- though not as often) I remember those moments and the odd thing was through my anger- and tears- and shaking- that pain- it always stopped... I always found my breath again. I believe that was God.

And when I think of God sending His only son to suffer and die for me... well- I think having lost a son- having known the pain of losing him (without the suffering)- makes God's sacrifice all the more powerful to me. It takes my breath away still when I ponder it. It amazes me.

6) have your reasons for blogging changed since you started

This blog is relatively new- in that- it was started five years after I lost Andrew- what wasn't new was my journaling. I have journals that I look back on now- journals full of letters to a son who will never read them- but I felt heard every word.

This blog is for me to write my story- I was interviewed about Andrew and it was such a small taste of what he was- what our story was- and so this blog was born in hopes that one day my living children will be able to read it, and understand. I love that others have found it and I write for them too. I love reading comments and hearing from others. It makes his life matter- again his life lives on through me and I love that it touches others too.

7) if you could change one thing about society's response to stillbirth what would it be?

I would love to open the world's eyes to stillbirth- to let them know that those of us who have had a child who was stillborn still held that child- loved him/her. I would love to tell people who have just had a child. Think of how much you love that child- that brand new baby- well we love our children too and they looked just like that- perfect- though without life.

I would tell them that and much, much more- but haven't the time. Maybe I'd give them the address to this blog of my thoughts.... ;-)

8) what one question have you not been asked that you would like to answer?

(cheeky huh hehe!) what is the answer to it?

Hmm... This is what I have been pondering...

How do you feel about twins- and baby showers (OK I put in two questions)?

Better. I'm feeling better about twins. I can look at them- but I don't want to touch them. I can feel happy for others- but still more sad for me. I wish I knew why I felt this way- and when/if I will ever move beyond that. Boy twins bother me the most (obviously) but I never get happy when I hear 'twins'. It's like the record scratches and my mind goes blank. A singleton or higher order multiples... fine... but no twins please.

I have a hard time going to baby showers. I don't like them. I would much rather go to a celebration after the baby is born. I am afraid for friends who are pregnant. (Luckily if they DO read this blog- I'm certain they stay away from it while pregnant- or at least they should.) I look at pictures of myself (huge) at my baby showers and I see someone so happy- and then I think... poor thing... if she'd only known she would have never opened all those boxes... I shudder to think how I will be as a grandma- hopefully this is something that WILL change in time. I don't want to pass that worry on to my children. I was good at my nieces shower so I am growing.

Thanks for the questions friend!

And thanks for reading!