Sunday, March 14, 2010

This I know

Jesus loves me, this I know-
And I knew it then.

Of all the questions that I have been asked...
How do you know?
How can you still believe?

I still pause searching for words to best describe my faith. A faith that has sustained me as it was tested, as it grew. My faith. It is my faith. My God. It is my God. The one reason I can still be. Be still. But how to answer this question so others know- can feel it too...

Jesus loves me, this I know-
And I knew it then.

In the room where mere moments earlier I had learned that one of the children that I had been dreaming of for the last nine months was no longer alive. In a room that felt dark, cloudy- In a room where the silence was deafening and yet serene-

Jesus loves me, this I know-
And I knew it then.

Though my eyes could not focus, would not focus, I knew He was there. I could feel Him and I felt Him. Felt a peace beyond description- A warmth indescribable. A single tear fell, not of sorrow, but of thanks. Peace.

Jesus loves me, this I know-
And I knew it then.

In that moment, God had my child. God had His child. And He was taking him home. And for that- that sacrificial love I will always thank Him, always praise Him, always worship Him. And one day I will go there too-Home- when He calls.

Jesus loves me, this I know-
And I knew it then.

Even though I screamed at Him from a physical pain- The absence of a boy- and the scars that he left- scars that no one saw but me. I screamed at Him. The Pain! But I found my breath. He sent it to me.

Jesus loves me, this I know-
And I knew it then.

And months later, I sat in a quiet room with my Grandfather- A man nearing 90 years- and we talked and we cried. For he had traveled this road. He had lost a son. He had cried these tears. Felt this pain and still he knew.

With tears streaming down his cheeks, "You know it truly is amazing. It isn't time that heals these broken hearts of ours, it is His grace, and aren't we all the more blessed that He has so much to give- again and again in those times we need it most. Blessed."

Jesus loves me, this I know-
And I knew it then.

Yes I believe. And though the dark days have come, they have also gone. And every step of the way I was never alone. Not once. For He was there with me. And though I have pondered it many times, I still lack the words- but I will never forget that night- those nights- when I needed Him most- and I searched for Him- though He needn't be searched for- He was there all along. Waiting.
For me.

Jesus loves me, this I know-
This I knew.

This, I know.

10 comments:

  1. thank you, my friend....you really know how to put things into perspective....love you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I've been meaning to coerce you into a chat with me, and this blog has reminded me to bug you about that!!!! I have some questions and I'd love to hear your perspective on them! Remind me :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yes, I understand this post although couldn't phrase it as well as you have. Since Abigail died my faith is no longer nice and cuddly. It is perhaps a bit stretched and frayed around the edges but I need it now more than ever. I can't say I have always felt God close since Abigail died. I have been through a dark loneliness and depression too but I know he is there and I hold on to Him. And went I can't hold on any longer I believe he holds me still

    http://livingintherainbow.com/2009/07/23/the-rope/

    ReplyDelete
  4. Love you friend- even though I was in the deepest darkest grief I had ever experienced I knew also and I will always know!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Beautiful post. Sending you hugs and love and letting you know that you have been awarded .

    ReplyDelete
  6. I think your grandpa is right. I've thought before it was just time that's made it hurt less but reading your grandpa's words makes me think and know differently. It's all HIM.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Beautifully said. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I've been meaning to coerce you into a chat with me, and this blog has reminded me to bug you about that!!!! I have some questions and I'd love to hear your perspective on them! Remind me :)

    ReplyDelete

Your thoughts?