Saturday, March 20, 2010

Questions- Ask me...

Most of what I write is triggered by you.
What you've said at meetings where I've sat.
What you've written in blogs that I have read.
What you have asked me.

My dear friend I met through this blog lost his daughter and recently wrote a piece answering questions that others had asked. I absolutely loved the post because I respect him and believe he is doing an amazing thing for fathers who have lost children by sharing his thoughts- and for mothers who may want a man's perspective on such things...

And as I read, I recalled a question that I have been asked on more than one occasion. Like my friend, I enjoy hearing from people who read my thoughts and who ask me- ask me about Andrew- and Baby E- ask me my thoughts-

If you could do it all over again, would you wish Jonasen to be a singleton so you would not have had to experience the pain of losing Andrew? After all in the end you had one child come home with you, as you would with a singleton. Do you wish his birth would have been just that? Just one? Joy without the pain?

Such an interesting question because the world sees Jonasen as a singleton. When I was wheeled out of the hospital, I had a baby in my arms and no one knew the sorrow in my heart. They saw a mom with a baby. A very normal thing to see coming out of a hospital.

The short answer: No.

A few months ago, I met a grieving mom. She had two daughters, born too early, and like me is raising a twinless twin. I feel blessed to know her, to help her through this journey- and for her to help me- and to see her smile again has been such a blessing. One thing that has stood out to me though is that she has described the day her girls were born as the worst day of her life.

September 15, 2003 was the worst day of my life.
And-
September 15, 2003 was the best day of my life.

On that day I lost a piece of myself. I lost my innocence. Though I would go on to be pregnant four more times, I would never again feel a peace about it. Never buy a single thing for the unborn baby(babies) I carried. I became a person who worried more than she had on September 14th. I became a person who's ears were tuned in to the words, 'loss', 'stillbirth', 'miscarriage'. I became a person who spent nights angry with a God that she loved. I became a person entirely different than the one that existed on September 14th.
And-
On that day I grew my heart. I saw what my husband and I would look like- through the eyes of a child created in love. I nursed a baby for the first time and gazed into the eyes of someone who needed me. Truly needed me. I fell in love as I never had before- an unconditional love. I became a person who would spend nights thanking God because I never knew before how precious life was. How precious he was. I looked at all children as a blessing. A true miracle. The day he came into my life was the best day of my life. I became a person entirely different than the one that existed on September 14th.

It was the best day of my life.
And-
It was the worst day of my life.

And I would not change it.

Andrew is part of Jonasen's story. He is part of my story. He is so much a part of who I am, who I have become, who I am becoming. I would not change it. I would not change our story.

And I had said it before. I would do it again and again- even if I knew I would experience that pain again- even if I knew I would lose a child again- I would do it if it meant I would feel that joy. That love. That peace. And I did. I took the risk of becoming pregnant again four more times (though only three children came home)- I took the risk and grew my heart because the joy- that joy- far outweighed the pain.

Would my joy have been so sweet had I not known the pain?

I don't think so.

But it is. So very sweet. And it is why I say to others- try- try again. It is so very hard- so very scary but that joy at the end is so very, very worth it.

And as for September 15th, 2003... I would have chosen to have them again- have had him again. Because though he did not stay in this world, he stayed in me. He was born in me. That I would not change.

Life is all the more sweeter for having them. Both of them.

Andrew & Jonasen.
Together.

10 comments:

  1. I don't know that pain that you experienced, but this was a beautiful post. Such a great message to those of us who have lost, and still don't have babies, that the joy is worth it in the end. Thank you for that!!

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  2. Laura- You couldn't have said it better. Life is all the more sweeter for having them. I didn't always think that could be possible- and may not agree in every moment of life. But it's so true. This is my other favorite thing you said: "I became a person who would spend nights thanking God because I never knew before how precious life was." Thank you for helping me through this journey!

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  3. Laura,
    I came to your blog from LITR. I surely enjoyed your post and will add your site to my favorites so I can come back often. I love how you expressed your thoughts. "Would my joy have been so sweet had I not known the pain?"-something that rang so true to me and something I will carry in my heart from now until forever. Thank you for that.
    Blessings to you and all you love in this world,
    Randi

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  4. Beautifully said Laura. Plus my loss led me to some of the most amazing friends I could ask for.

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  5. Laura

    Thanks for your post as always. And thank you for your link to my site and your kind words. You have been a real encouragement to me today.

    I have never lost a twin, but you communicate so well the uniqueness of this loss. And how you can know beauty out of pain too.

    You know the same nerve system that gives us pleasure (a caress for example) also captures pain. Pain is a gift at one level because without it we would damage ourselves. It proves we are still alive, we are still capable of love.

    Peace and healing to you

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  6. This is the second time I've read this post today. I still don't know what to say. This is absolutely beautifully written. I will consider the birthday of my girls, the happiest day of my life. Even though it was not as I imagined it.

    'He was born in me.' He was. I feel so very glad to have found your words Laura, to have you and your boys 'ahead' of me and my girls on this road. Thank you for sharing your experiences and your precious twins, Andrew & Jonasen. xo

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  7. Laura, this is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing it with me.

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  8. I definitely believe that Carleigh's birth was one of the best days of my life but I don't think it was one of the worst. That would be a few days later when we left the hospital and had to take our daughter to the funeral home.

    I so agree with you on doing it again. I certainly would b/c I cannot imagine my life without Carleigh in it, even though she couldn't stay here on earth.

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  9. Beautifully said Laura. Plus my loss led me to some of the most amazing friends I could ask for.

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  10. Laura- You couldn't have said it better. Life is all the more sweeter for having them. I didn't always think that could be possible- and may not agree in every moment of life. But it's so true. This is my other favorite thing you said: "I became a person who would spend nights thanking God because I never knew before how precious life was." Thank you for helping me through this journey!

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