Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Seven Years. Today.

Seven years ago, it was warm.
I was in a white T-shirt and khaki shorts and they were the only thing that I could wear at that point. You and your brother were getting so big! I had to sleep sitting in a chair because you were so heavy on my lungs.

Seven years ago, I wondered if today would be the day. My calendar had a big circle around the 22nd. I was sure that was the day you would be born. 40 weeks.

Seven years ago, I got a call. She said it was time. I nearly ran through the hospital. I couldn't wait to meet you!

Seven years ago, I changed. You were gone. He was here. But I didn't know where I went... I sometimes wonder what happened to me... Where did I go?


Today it was warm. The sun was out. I bought your balloons and I drove to your garden. And then it happened... I just started saying it. Saying it out loud.

"Andrew! Don't forget your backpack!"
"Andrew, what kind of ice cream do you want?"
"Andrew! Go to your room!"
"Andrew honey, what book do you want to read?"
"Andrew... Oh God my sweet Andrew... Do you know how long my heart has somehow continued to beat? Continued to keep me going? Continued..."

How did that happen? How is it I am still here, and you are not?

Seven years.

I said your name over and over because for seven years I've dreamt of saying those things. Saying those words and so many, many more. I've dreamt of calling your name... and of you calling mine.

Mom.

Andrew.

My tears fell today and like those nights that I spent alone calling your name, I wondered if they would ever stop. Seven years. Seven.

But I sang to you.
Blew out your candles.
Wrote to you.
And sent seven balloons with seven kisses to a seven year old who I miss more than anything...

Did you see my message on that balloon? I wonder what the answer is... How can I hold you so close each and every day- and yet miss you so?

Perhaps the answer is love.
Love.
For there is no other word that comes to me tonight.
This night.
Seven years after I first held you, touched you, kissed you.

I love you my son.
Now more than ever.
But tomorrow I will miss you more.

Happy Birthday. Thank Him for the sun. Thank Him for the birds and the butterflies. Thank Him for you.
My baby.

9 comments:

  1. He heard you and is always sending you his love.

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  2. Your words are so powerful as always. Saying Andrew's name, all the things you would have been saying to him, very powerful.

    Reading your post I thought of this song
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TptM8CqrIdU

    7 years! Man, that is a lot of time but just a heartbeat too isn't it. We are approaching Abigail's second anniversary weekend and it is only just starting to dawn on me that it is near again. Not sure how it will compare to the first year which was very intense.

    Well love to you friend

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  3. Wow! What a beautiful post! Tears over here reading your writing! It's always touching!

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  4. Thank you for sharing this moving post. Thinking of you and your family.

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  5. I didn't get to come here on your blog on the 15th but I was thinking of you and Andrew-wondering how you were doing. (((hug)))

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  6. love this Laura...and I love that you continue to celebrate your son Andrew...the balloons are such a wonderful way to express your love to him. He is waiting patiently for you and loves you right back.

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  7. love this Laura...and I love that you continue to celebrate your son Andrew...the balloons are such a wonderful way to express your love to him. He is waiting patiently for you and loves you right back.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Your words are so powerful as always. Saying Andrew's name, all the things you would have been saying to him, very powerful.

    Reading your post I thought of this song
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TptM8CqrIdU

    7 years! Man, that is a lot of time but just a heartbeat too isn't it. We are approaching Abigail's second anniversary weekend and it is only just starting to dawn on me that it is near again. Not sure how it will compare to the first year which was very intense.

    Well love to you friend

    ReplyDelete

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