Where Peace Lives

I often wonder how I got here.
I often wonder when I got here.
-The place where peace lives.

Today I looked all around me and saw what was good. I saw white fluffy clouds in a brilliant blue sky.
I saw leaves beginning to change as one season ends and another begins.
I heard laughter in the distance.
I felt the sun.
I saw life.
And I felt peace.

I remember when I couldn't see the stars. It didn't matter how bright they were, I could not see them. I remember when I couldn't hear the laughter, because my pain was much too loud. I remember when I could only think of him, his absence- and cry. And had He grabbed me by the hand and led me to that place, I don't think I would have seen it. I would not have arrived. I wasn't ready. My heart was not ready.

Today I thought of him, as I so often do. And while I wondered what he would be like, what his dreams would be, and of course the color of those eyes- I would have given anything to gaze into those eyes- ah if just for a moment...

Today I thought of him. I felt peace. Perhaps that is odd, but knowing he was beyond those clouds. In a place far better than here. Beyond those clouds but just a whisper away... Beyond but watching. Watching with those eyes... Watching from that place. Sun on his face. And I know that place because sometimes I feel it. The place where peace lives.

I wonder when it was I got here. Did I wake up and find myself here? Or was it gradual? Did I arrive so slowly that I didn't even notice my leaving? Did it find me or did I find it? Did it tiptoe across my heart, find it's way into my soul? Did it sneak in on my breath? Find its way into my clenched fists? Lead me here? Soften me?

When did I arrive? And perhaps more importantly... will I stay? For if there is one thing I have learned traveling this road, it is that feelings aren't right or wrong, they simply are- Feelings- not to be controlled- but to be.

There are days where I question- where I wonder, why me? why you?
And there are days- like today- when peace finds me and I think, 'why not me?' Because I know that he's there. Beyond those clouds. Sitting in a field of gold, watching the most amazing sunsets of purples and oranges- Oh yes. He is there. But he's not alone. Where peace lives. Close my eyes and I can see it. Today I live there too.

I thought of you today.
Said a prayer.
Hope you find your way soon- or that it would find you.

But until then, I will walk beside you on this road of uncertainty. Not knowing what tomorrow will bring, but being thankful for today. I walk with you on this journey- for though it can feel so very lonely, I take you by the hand, lead you there, though you may not feel it yet.
Yes. You will find it. Or it may find you. When the time is right.
The place where peace lives.

And I am so very thankful for those moments- The moments I find it... or does it find me?
Does it matter? For today I have arrived in that place.
And with him beside me- whisper thank you- because he was. And for today, that is enough.