Reason.

It's cold here.
Today I strapped on my shoes, bundled up, put my music in my ears and went for a walk. I love going walking. The fresh air- the time I spend with myself. Time with my thoughts. Time with God. Most of my 'moments of pause' happen when I am walking. Today was no different.

Recently I read something that stuck with me.
"Not everything happens for a reason."
It made me sad. And yet I understood it.

What reason is there for suffering? What reason is there for the death of a child? What reason is there for hope and then having it snatched from you- right beyond your grasp? There are so many things that I do not know the reason for.

I think that the quote was right. Not everything happens for a reason...

But then again... It can...

I could have chosen to take my feelings of loss and despair and keep them to myself. I could have chosen to deny Andrew's existence- most of the people I know now would have no idea that I had a son- that I lost a son- even my children would not know had I chosen to keep this pain to myself.

And I did ponder it... though only for a moment... Would it be easier if Joe never knew he had a twin? But then what about his birth certificate? What about those pictures of me pregnant- with two full term babies...

And yet I had a choice. I could have kept it. I could have 'crossed those bridges' when they came. I could have chosen to deal with "it" in other ways.

But I didn't.

The night that Andrew was born- the moment I kissed him that last time and turned away as they took him from me- that silent night- I knew. I made a promise. I would give this reason. I would say his name so that everyone I knew would hear it. I would not forget that baby. And I wouldn't let you. I decided to give it reason- though at the time I had no idea what that reason would be- how it would look- what it was.

Isn't that life?
We choose what to give reason to and what not to? We can choose to hold on to pain- or to let it go. We can choose to share our grief with others- or keep it to ourselves. We can choose to say their names- or simply feel them in our hearts. And it is our choices that make us who we are and how we choose to impact others.

No. Not everything has to happen for a reason. But he did. He happened. And because of him...

I know pain.
I know love.
I know forgiveness.
I know grace.
I know peace. True peace.

Because of him...
Twins are born before their (40 week) due dates.
Families who have lost a twin will have a picture of their twins together.
Parents in this journey will be able to meet someone who has been there and can walk with them through this.

Because of him...
I have three other children who would not be here.

Because of him...
I am wiser.
I am kinder.
I am more patient.

Because of him I have met some of the most amazing people who have walked this earth. People I would not have known, had I not chosen to share him.

Because of him...
I am a better wife.
A better mother.
A better teacher.
A better friend.
Better.

Make reason.
Give meaning to the life that has changed yours.
Don't keep it to yourself.

Over my years, the reasons keep coming and I can share a smile with heaven knowing I got that from them. Do I miss them? Yes. Do I think about them still? EVERY day.

But 'tis the season to give.
And today I give you my reason.
My reason for living and moving and waking up each morning.
They have shaped me and made me who I am and- though a work in progress- I will embrace it.
And give it reason.