Our Sparks, Our Children.

Sometimes someone will walk through your door and change your life. You don't realize it when it is happening, but they do. I still remember one of those moments.

I remember the way she looked that night. Her face. I remember listening as she spoke - not of a baby that she held in her arms- nor a child who had breathed but was gone- but a spark- sparks. Children. Children who lived inside of her- hearts that beat inside of her- but gone far before anyone else would even know they existed.

She was my first real window into what it must be like to have lost a child so early. I remember after losing Andrew, one of my husband's friends said, "Everyone has a miscarriage." It bothered me. Not just the words he spoke, but their implication... Everyone has one... No big deal... and then comparing my full term son to a miscarriage bothered me...

But as I listened to her, tears streaming down her face, tears streaming down mine (which was rare because having gone to so many meetings my tears seemed to have run out), I finally got it. I learned something that I should have already known. For it is in that moment when you look at a positive test that your love starts to grow. Your mind starts to dream. Your heart starts to soar.

And like the babe I held in my arms that September night... the babe who left too soon- who shattered my dreams- who broke my heart- Well, sparks can do the same.

When I was pregnant with E, and praying and pleading with God to spare my child, to spare my spark, I called my dear friend. We cried together and she carried me. She spoke every word I needed to hear that night. And she spoke them again. For I needed her to carry to me- and she did. She has taught me so much in this world, but in the days that followed, I understood. I understood the pain of losing someone you only dreamed about... someone who is just a shadow... someone you would have given anything to meet.

I always think of my dear friend on New Year's Eve. You see, that was the day one of her sparks would have been born. I remember the story of her and her husband, toasting a New Year, when there didn't seem much to celebrate. I know that there are many in this world that did the same- 2011 was to be their year. But life has a way of taking turns down paths that we never thought we'd walk.

I think of those like my friends and I said a little prayer. That this year would be kind to you, and gentle to you. I prayed that there would be angels in your life, like those in mine, who have gotten me through so many storms and that the rainbows would find you- for I have seen that after those storms they are there- waiting to pick you up again.

Thank you Mary, for picking me up when I needed it and sharing yourself. The world is blessed because you are in it.

And to those missing their sparks, their children, their loved ones... hoping your storm passes quickly and you will be bathed in the glow of that rainbow that awaits. You will never forget, but you will see peace again. I hope it finds you.