Sunday, January 23, 2011

This I know...

There is something that I have been pondering...

Many have said that there is no pain quite like the pain of losing a child. And having been through it- twice- I nod along with that statement. It is hard to describe to others who have not experienced it. It is a physical pain and more- and it is something that never quite leaves you- is always there- lingering...

I have also heard "everyone has a miscarriage" and it suddenly dawned on me that those who make that statement (about losing a child) are probably referring to those parents who (in addition to grieving dreams) are grieving memories. They are talking about those parents who left the hospital with a baby in their arms. They aren't talking about me.

And to be fair. I can't imagine that. I can't imagine grieving both dreams and memories and I pray with all my heart and soul that I never will have to experience that pain...

But I do live with pain- the pain of losing a child. It is my 'normal' by 'reality'.

But at the same time my 'normal' doesn't mean I'm 'OK'. Sometimes I will go outside just to look at the stars- see the moon's reflection sparkling on the fresh fallen snow and I want to scream, "I MISS THEM! I AM THEIR MOTHER! I MISS THEM STILL!"

How can you miss something you never really had?
How can you miss someone you never really knew?

I knew the way that Andrew would kick me. I knew the weight of his body when I held him that dark September night. I knew the way he smelled. But that was all.

I will never know his favorite flavor of ice-cream, the sound of his laugh, the color of his eyes...
Oh, the color of his eyes...

How can I miss them? Miss them like this??

But I do- and I hate that I have all these 'holes' in who my children are/were/could be. I hate that I feel them dance around me- as if they can hear me- and yet they are beyond me- I hate that they know me... and yet... I don't know them.

But this I do know.

I know that they know me. I know that they lived and breathed my breath. I know that they slept to my heartbeat. I know that they heard me sing. And I know that they felt my love.
-That they feel it still.

And yes- I think they know that I miss them- and that while I feel like screaming it from the rooftops, I don't need to.

They know.
There is nothing quite like the pain of losing a child- and yet I go on- and they know that.

6 comments:

  1. Although I've never lost a child, I feel your heartbreak and loss. I cannot imagine the empty feeling that so needs to be filled. Many women including myself have had miscarriages and although so painful, it cannot be the same pain as losing a baby that has been felt by you daily. Your moment of pause must help many who have experienced this loss and for that I commend you! What a wonderful way to touch their hearts and help them remember their own angels in heaven.Hugs:) Laura Durand

    ReplyDelete
  2. I can echo those same words! I know they know, but sometimes I wish I could audibly hear them say they know!!! You never stop missing or wondering who they would be. Would she laugh like me, my mom, & aunt who all laugh alike? Would his eyes sparkle like my husband's? You always wonder and wish you knew. One day we will! :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think the person who says "everyone has a miscarriage" either hasn't had one or has been processing it in a very bad way. It is possible I guess to have a very low view of human life but that isn't something to be applauded either is it?

    There are of course different kinds of grief based on the level you have bonded with your child. Sometimes we grieve the potential other times we grieve the person. But grieve we must.

    Hugs to you

    ReplyDelete
  4. They do know you. ((HUGS)) Thank you for sharing your feelings.

    ReplyDelete
  5. You are right that we don't really know them. We only know a small fraction of the life that could've been.

    ReplyDelete
  6. How can we forget a child we lost. A child that was and will be forever a part of us? Im a mom who had a miscarriage. It was painful.

    ReplyDelete

Your thoughts?