Sunday, January 23, 2011
There is something that I have been pondering...
Many have said that there is no pain quite like the pain of losing a child. And having been through it- twice- I nod along with that statement. It is hard to describe to others who have not experienced it. It is a physical pain and more- and it is something that never quite leaves you- is always there- lingering...
I have also heard "everyone has a miscarriage" and it suddenly dawned on me that those who make that statement (about losing a child) are probably referring to those parents who (in addition to grieving dreams) are grieving memories. They are talking about those parents who left the hospital with a baby in their arms. They aren't talking about me.
And to be fair. I can't imagine that. I can't imagine grieving both dreams and memories and I pray with all my heart and soul that I never will have to experience that pain...
But I do live with pain- the pain of losing a child. It is my 'normal' by 'reality'.
But at the same time my 'normal' doesn't mean I'm 'OK'. Sometimes I will go outside just to look at the stars- see the moon's reflection sparkling on the fresh fallen snow and I want to scream, "I MISS THEM! I AM THEIR MOTHER! I MISS THEM STILL!"
How can you miss something you never really had?
How can you miss someone you never really knew?
I knew the way that Andrew would kick me. I knew the weight of his body when I held him that dark September night. I knew the way he smelled. But that was all.
I will never know his favorite flavor of ice-cream, the sound of his laugh, the color of his eyes...
Oh, the color of his eyes...
How can I miss them? Miss them like this??
But I do- and I hate that I have all these 'holes' in who my children are/were/could be. I hate that I feel them dance around me- as if they can hear me- and yet they are beyond me- I hate that they know me... and yet... I don't know them.
But this I do know.
I know that they know me. I know that they lived and breathed my breath. I know that they slept to my heartbeat. I know that they heard me sing. And I know that they felt my love.
-That they feel it still.
And yes- I think they know that I miss them- and that while I feel like screaming it from the rooftops, I don't need to.
There is nothing quite like the pain of losing a child- and yet I go on- and they know that.