Finding the Words

Late last year, I was contacted by Franchesca and Carly who are two amazing women who also happen to have children in heaven. They were putting together a calendar for the Babylost and asked if I would be one of the people to offer some words. I felt honored to be asked to do this and so I read back over some of my posts here to find some words that particularly touched my heart.

As I read and remembered and thought about the words I had written, there were some posts that really stood out. Most were written before anyone had even read this blog. My only problem with the quotes that I treasured most was that they were too wordy (If you haven't noticed my motto seems to be, "Why say in 10 words, what you can in 100!" Needless to say I had a bit of a problem).

And so I thought- and prayed- and thought some more about Andrew. About E. About the gifts they have given me- Gifts which seem too numerous to count. I wanted what I shared with others to be about hope, about living- because that is where I am in my journey and before getting here I remember secretly wishing I could feel happiness again (though my comfort was in my grief).

And so while pondering all of this- all the goodness to be shared- the words that came to my mind in a moment- without thinking were, "He's grown me. Wise beyond my years- if only life's lessons didn't come at such a cost."

Those were the words they sent me- my babies- and in September, people who purchased the calendar will read those words and hopefully feel that too- for in that moment in September we were aged. They grew us. We are bigger and better and more full of life and love than we could have ever imagined... but it took time to get here.

For he has grown me.

I look at life through different eyes now. I look at children through different eyes- at strangers. I remember shortly after we lost E, going for ice cream and seeing the pregnant people and feeling so angry- why do they get to be pregnant- why not me?? And then in a moment I looked down at my children, standing around me. No one would have guessed my story, and yet what a story it is.

We all have a story. And many of those reading these words tonight have a character in their story that is no longer with them, but changed them in ways that have yet to be seen. I used to be someone who thought in black and white, but now I know there is so much more- so many layers- so much hidden that is still waiting to be discovered- even for me.

He's been gone over seven years now- and still he speaks to me- changes me- grows me.

Oh- but what a cost- if only those life changing lessons wouldn't have come at the loss of a life that I would have given anything to know. Anything.

**And if you'd like to see the calendar, the beautiful photographs and the amazing words from people who have lived this, click here.

-As always, thanks for reading...