Saturday, May 30, 2009

I See Pregnant People...

The months after I lost Andrew, I saw twins everywhere. They were in the stores- in the park- in our church. When I drove I found myself always behind a 'Twin Camri'- When I shopped I found myself staring at "Twin Packs" of food items.

How I longed to be pregnant again- to feel that way again- and just like 'twins' were everywhere I looked, so were women who were pregnant. They were everywhere I turned. I would look at them and remember that ignorant bliss I felt when I carried the boys. I remember thinking my biggest fear then was how labor would feel- not how losing a baby would feel.

I would watch them, the pregnant people, and part of me wanted to run to them- to tell them- don't be so sure- don't be so happy- Listen to what happened to me! I would watch them shop for clothes and strollers and part of me wanted to run to them- to tell them- don't buy those things- they are so hard to return- it is so hard to have those things when you don't have your baby.

That's how I felt in those early months. I hated seeing twins. I hated seeing pregnant people and I found them around every corner. It seemed to be some cruel joke.

The morning I learned that Baby E was gone and my heart had broken again, we decided to take our children for ice cream. They had seen their parents cry a lot that day and it seemed that something sweet would make things better- at least for them. It was a fall day and we sat licking our ice cream cones and I noticed they were there. Pregnant people. Five cars pulled up with passengers who wanted ice cream and every single one of them carried a woman who was expecting a child.

Again there was that cruel joke- I went back to that raw place- those feelings I felt when I lost Andrew- I wanted to tell them- I was pregnant- I was pregnant just like you- just yesterday...

And then I looked around me-
Three children sat near, enjoying their special treats. Three children close in age. Three children and their mother... me.

Had anyone looked at us, they would have never suspected, never guessed, never believed that I, a woman in my early thirties, had had my heart broken twice by children who left me. I was a member of that secret society of broken hearts and I suddenly looked at the women and wondered if perhaps they were members of the secret club too. But I wouldn't dare ask. Not anymore. I'm healing- but I did wonder...

We've talked about it at meetings. So many of us felt it. Those of us who have been walking this path for some time... We could look at pregnant people and be happy for them. I could look at pregant people and be happy. But as happy as I was for them, I was more sad for me.
I wonder if that's right,
or wrong-
and I think it just
is.
My reality.

16 comments:

  1. This is a great one Laura. Thanks for putting our thoughts into words and for helping other people understand our reality. You are the best :)

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  2. Okay...apparently logged in as Kenny - you know it's me lady :) Sarah

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  3. I can hear you telling this story . . . and can finish some of your sentences. LOVE the title! It's amazing how much I feel like we are on very similar legs of our journey right now.

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  4. Wow! Very very moving and spot on.

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  5. Oh how I can relate..... I do like the part about how onlookers would never know about the pain we carry inside every single day! I wonder how many other angel mama's look at me now pg. and feel those same feelings, not knowing that I too have been in their same spot, how I am on the same road still....

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  6. This is a beautiful post. So keenly felt. So poignant. So stirring. Thank you for "putting your heart on your sleeve" and reminding me that there are many grieving hearts among us.

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  7. I've had two miscarriages, one in my 2nd trimester. After each I heard so many stories from women with children who had suffered the same. It made me realize that while those big bellies draw such attention, you never know what that woman has gone through to get there. I chose to be happy for each of them knowing that it may have been a rough road to get to that point. Now I am the mother of two fantastic little girls. In my journey of having a family I never expected it to bring my greatest sorrows and my greatest joys.

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  8. ah.....the other women. The women we usually can't stand to look at, and than sometimes you look at them and feel ok, and happy for them because you think.....hmmm what was their journey to get there.
    Laura- you say the words we can't always and bring them to the front.
    I love you!

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  9. I am so sorry for your loss. I don't think it's something that other people can understand unless it happens to them. I miscarried at 11 weeks in November, and I also call him my butterfly baby, because he changed me for the better. His due date just passed, and I also posted something about my loss. It was hard, but I felt I had to honor him...and other women need to hear our stories because a lot suffer with pregnancy loss in secret. So thank you for sharing.

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  10. took the words right out of my mouth

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  11. so true....wish it could be easier for us.....

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  12. Beautifully said. Thanks, Laura.

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  13. ah.....the other women. The women we usually can't stand to look at, and than sometimes you look at them and feel ok, and happy for them because you think.....hmmm what was their journey to get there.
    Laura- you say the words we can't always and bring them to the front.
    I love you!

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  14. I am so sorry for your loss. I don't think it's something that other people can understand unless it happens to them. I miscarried at 11 weeks in November, and I also call him my butterfly baby, because he changed me for the better. His due date just passed, and I also posted something about my loss. It was hard, but I felt I had to honor him...and other women need to hear our stories because a lot suffer with pregnancy loss in secret. So thank you for sharing.

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  15. Okay...apparently logged in as Kenny - you know it's me lady :) Sarah

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