2003 was the hardest year of my life but it was also the year that I fell in love... but not with who you think.
I knew God and thought of myself as a 'good girl'. I was thoughtful and kind, prayed often and lived my life in a way that I thought would be pleasing to Him. I was 'faithful' in every sense of the word.
And then I met Andrew.
Andrew changed things. Oddly enough I never doubted God's existence. I couldn't. I have said before that the moment that Andrew's beautiful body was pulled from mine I knew God. Felt His peace and His presence in a way I had never experienced. I knew He was there and in that moment I felt... well... blessed.
But that serene moment ended probably around the time my medicine did- and I realized the magnitude of what had just happened. If you have a child, I want you to remember that moment where you first looked into your child's eyes and fell in love... now imagine looking into eyes that would not open. And handing back that child you'd waited nine long months to meet. It is an indescribable pain. I no longer felt blessed, I felt betrayed.
To say that I was angry with God would have been an understatement. I spoke to Him in ways I am ashamed to admit and when "Christians" would offer me some sort of "God loves you" message I would nod and then go home and roll my eyes at them- knowing that He saw my every mood. You see, I knew that He had the power to save my little boy... and He didn't. I believed in Him and that is what made me angry!
But I never doubted His existence. I went from thanking him for Joe to cursing him for Andrew and walking around in a fog where light could not reach- and I wasn't going to let it. Don't tell me about God! I talk to Him every day! I don't need your 'feel good' message right now! I know the 'real' God!
But here is the thing... somewhere during that time- of me rolling my eyes- wondering how God could make such a mistake... something happened. My tone started to mellow. My shoulders started to slump and I got tired. I was tired of blaming Him. And that day when I was on the floor with Andrew's ashes in my hand. I was tired. Tired of being angry and all that was left was a sadness. I had no strength left in me. I was tired.
No one knew what it was like to lose your son...
But wait...
He did.
His son was better than me. He was thoughtful and kind and lived His life in a way that was pleasing to His Father. He was faithful in every sense of the word. His Father must have looked into His son's eyes and fell in love. And He could have saved Him... but He didn't. He let Him suffer and die. Suffer. Why? For me. For this moment. So I could be picked up off the floor and live again. If I chose to.
He knew what it was like to lose your son and for the second time that year I felt him come over me and I felt His pain and mine. I felt Him hurt, for me. I felt His sorrow and His pain. And I was so sorry.
He was the only one who truly knew what I felt when I lost my son. He knew those emotions for which there are no words. He was the only one who knew my every thought- my every moment. He saw me on the floor. Screaming into my pillow. Hiding in the fog. He saw it all... and yet He never left me. And it was in that moment that I truly fell in love. For more than anyone in this world He knew me. He knew my sin-filled heart and He loved me still. He knew my anger and despair. And he stayed.
Yes. He could have saved Him... but what happened was, He saved me.
For love for God is more than going to church and singing some songs. It is more than reading your bible and praying. Loving God is surrender. It is giving yourself to Him- good, bad, ugly and beautiful- and the best part is... He takes you as you are- and if you're not ready... He'll wait.
He waited for me.
And I can't wait to look into His eyes and thank Him for that. I close my eyes and I can almost see it as He takes my hands and leads me to the other eyes I have so longed to see. The ones that brought me to Him.
Blessed?
Indeed.
Saved?
Forever.
Christ is Risen.
He is Risen Indeed.
Happy Easter- May His love break through the fog!
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Crying and speechless. All good though. God bless you Laura!
ReplyDeleteRonda
I think Ronda said it all, I remember being about 6 months pregnant and running into your Mom at a friends' baby shower, she told me briefly of your Andrew, and I wondered then why such a beautiful person such as your self would have to endure such loss, such pain. I prayed and I prayed that you would have peace, that you would be able to forgive, love and stay strong for your other children. For I could not imagine your loss. Now that we are "reunited" on FB, I know that you are better for having loved and lost Andrew, for having to make the ultimate sacrifice, for continuing to be the beautiful person you are! I just wanted you to know that I don't always comment but I am always holding your Andrew in my heart and keeping you all in my prayers! Happy Easter Laura!!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing these incredible feelings of emotions that you have been through. Thank you for your honesty about being angry with God. Beautiful post. ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely beautiful and so true! I remember cursing Him, blaming Him, and then clinging to Him so desperately because there is nothing else--only Him! Thank you for sharing Laura, as always your words are beautiful and true and I love reading! Thanks for checking out the pics of Cala and for commenting--I'm in love!
ReplyDeleteLaura, I understand this post soo much. Although I have not experienced the pain that you have of losing a child (a pain I cannot even begin to imagine), I do understand the anger and resentment of needing Him and thinking that He is just not there for me. I am realizing that we have to be patient...and keep our faith...and believe that He knows what is best...Thank you for sharing your story. I always take so much away from reading your posts...thank you for sharing
ReplyDeleteLove this post! I remember feeling the same way. Love reading your posts always!
ReplyDeleteMy Dear Laura,
ReplyDeleteI'm always completely reduced to tears when I come here. I never, ever, in my wildest imagination, could have dreamt the events that have transpired in your life. My first friend. Brave girl. I learn from you and your rock solid faith every day. I feel so proud of you for wearing your heart on your sleeve for the sake of others in their healing. I hear your pain and your hope in every word you write. I love you!
Laura, I understand this post soo much. Although I have not experienced the pain that you have of losing a child (a pain I cannot even begin to imagine), I do understand the anger and resentment of needing Him and thinking that He is just not there for me. I am realizing that we have to be patient...and keep our faith...and believe that He knows what is best...Thank you for sharing your story. I always take so much away from reading your posts...thank you for sharing
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing these incredible feelings of emotions that you have been through. Thank you for your honesty about being angry with God. Beautiful post. ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely beautiful and so true! I remember cursing Him, blaming Him, and then clinging to Him so desperately because there is nothing else--only Him! Thank you for sharing Laura, as always your words are beautiful and true and I love reading! Thanks for checking out the pics of Cala and for commenting--I'm in love!
ReplyDelete