Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Right now I am thinking about that place I once lived... somewhere in the middle of despair and sadness, anger and exhaustion. I remember being stuck. Not knowing where to go. What to say. How to feel. At the time I felt like I was the only one who lived there- it wasn't until I left that I realized how many people were actually there (and unable to leave).
It was a hard place to leave because despite its name, it was a comfort to me. Feeling pain meant feeling him. Hurting meant remembering. Crying meant loving. I stayed in that place for months until one day I left. I didn't cry that day~ and that made me cry.
Eventually I moved away and began traveling. I didn't stay in one place too long- sometimes happy- sometimes sad- but eventually I found joy again and it felt good so I decided to stay longer. Still sometimes I'd go visit my old stomping ground, I needed to. It felt like 'home'. I know that my friends and family worry when I go back, but I want them to know that it is OK. I will not be staying long. I no longer find it to be a good 'home' for me.
I think sometimes going back there- to those raw feelings can be good. Remembering~ feeling those things can make you feel closer... closer to the ones who left~ but I do think that there is a danger in staying there too long. Living amongst all those feelings you can start to lose yourself. Start to forget. Lose sight of that person you were before tragedy knocked on your doorstep and stole you away. Lose sight of that person they would want you to become.
When you stay there too long you forget what sunshine feels like and nothing seems to matter~ and those people who complain can send you deeper into despair so for today I ask you to... try.
I am thankful for my mortgage bill.
I have a house to live in.
I am thankful for the laundry that never gets done.
I have clothes to keep me warm.
I am thankful for my tired feet.
I have a healthy body that can walk miles.
I am thankful for the dishes in my sink.
I have food on my table.
I am thankful for taxes.
I have police and firefighters to protect me.
I am thankful for my dented car.
I have a way to get from here to there.
I am thankful for my headache.
I have 23 first graders who teach me something everyday.
I am thankful for my leaves that need to be raked.
I have a yard full of beautiful trees.
I am thankful for my loud children.
I have loud children.
I am thankful for my angels.
They have reminded me once again to pause, remember where I've been, where I am and where I'm going. Without them, I wouldn't be me... and I like who I am. Who I am becoming.
And I think that they look down
And like me too.