Today I was sitting at my daughter's dance class listening to the mom's talk (as I often do). I had written about it here once before... the mom who was pregnant and she and the other moms were sharing their pregnancy stories as I, quietly smiled and eaves dropped...I feel like I need to do a follow-up to that post. That woman went on to have her babies... yes babies... twins! They have been at the studio since the fall dance classes began and she has had them with her always. Clearly they were quite premature (they are very tiny still). I have overheard many conversations... on how hard it was... The boy was sick... But mostly I hear about how amazing it is- how there was 'something in the water' and how busy life is with these new twins and her now family of four. Her friends ooh and aaah over the babies (as is normal) and still I hate it.
Having been on this road for eight years, I can usually push back feelings of jealousy- but who am I kidding?? Feelings are feelings and as much as I'd love to say that I am this wonderful person with an amazing outlook- above such childish emotions as jealousy- the fact of the matter is that I am extremely jealous! And while it was mentioned that I too have four kids at home (I wanted some recognition)- she had "something in the water" to have those twins...
Well, I once had a sip of that water too... but I didn't dare say it. I mentioned something about having a twin pregnancy but no one said anything to me- asking me about it- and I quickly stopped myself from adding any more and realized that I was going into territory that made my palms sweaty and my heart race. And so I did what I always have when I start to feel jealous, angry or just sad... I breathe in and out... and in and out... until I can turn the page.
A friend who has no living children mentioned that her friend was pregnant... how she is happy for her friend, but more sad for herself and wondered if it ever got any easier. I would like to say that Yes. It does. But... Sometimes it can rip you up inside still. I have no reason to feel this jealousy. After all, I am in that good place... I really am...
But still today I thought- I could have done that too. I could have taken care of two babies- I could have done without the sleep and taken them out to places. That could have been me...
But it wasn't.
So today I felt a little sorry for myself. And with four healthy children living in my house I am more than ashamed to be admitting it.
But today I felt a little sorry for myself. And with two in heaven, I think that I will allow myself that and not be ashamed for admitting it.
I don't think I'm alone.
After all... I am in a good place.
Sometimes.
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oh Laura.......I so understand. I have struggled with the same thing. You aren't alone. I beat myself up about feeling jealous and unhappy too but I have started to realise the same thing- they are still valid feelings and it does not make me a bad person.
ReplyDeleteDid I ever tell you about the couple who moved to our church just as we both discovered being pregnant....only to then have this enormous hurt smack us in the face when they rang us breathlessly to tell us it was twins. It hurt to see all the gooing and gaaing over those girls- and still does from time to time. These girls are the same age as lily and sometimes even though we are in that good place too our nerves are stretched a little thin. I think there will always be an amnt of jealously at other people's twins somehow. Sarah Bartlett
Laura,
ReplyDeleteDid I ever tell you about how my best friend from high school (who went thru her first pregnancy during my twin pregnancy with Chloe & Zoe) showed up on my door step on my 40th birthday to share with me the "good news" that she was pregnant with twins?? These are the same twins she had a "perfect" pregnancy with, drove herself to the hospital to deliver - and delivered naturally. (Heavy sigh)
Did I ever tell you about when Chloe went to preschool and after the first year I was trying to decide whether to keep her back a year or not - since she has an October birthday and I knew I would keep her back a year before starting kindergarten) . . . when I considered her doing a second year of two-morning preschool, instead of moving to three-morning, I quickly reconsidered when I found out there was a little girl named Zoe who would be in that class. There was no way I could handle my Chloe being in preschool with a Zoe. I wasn't that strong.
So, you're right -- sometimes jealousy hits. Sometimes sorrow overtakes my days. Sometimes I look at my three beautiful, talented and joy-filled living children and chastise myself for feeling sorry for myself and missing my four babies in Heaven. But, then, like you - I say, it's okay. I give myself permission to miss my babies and wonder "what-if" while still embracing the joy in my midst.
((HUGS))
Kelly
Oh Laura. I sometimes feel sorry for myself too. I think we're entitled to from time to time! But I know I also feel horribly ungrateful when I catch myself feeling jealous and angry and it so, so hard not to let the whole story come tumbling out sometimes.
ReplyDeleteLast week I sat with J between two sets of girl twins as the toddler group. Neither of these mothers know that J is (or was? I'm never sure how to describe it) a twin too. And I listened to them talking about how stressful it all was, how special it all was. And I was SO envious and I couldn't help thinking that I could have done it, that I would loved to have tried.
I think that twins are always going to sting a little for me, no matter how hard I try and think about it rationally. I too wish it wasn't that way but I have accepted that I am only human and that I can't always rise above my emotions. You aren't on your own xo
Thank you...I needed to read this. Last week was incredibly difficult for me in this same regard. It is so helpful to know that I'm not alone in these feelings. Thank you for sharing so openly.
ReplyDeleteHi honey...i miss you. I wondered if that feeling ever went away and now that you have shared it I really appreciate that, because now I know what to expect. My current battle is a commercial on tv that blindsides me everytime, the barilla pasta sauce that flicks triplets right on the start of it and ends saying "everything is better together" and I find myself saying eff u to the screen damn pasta sauce people...but ... Its expected & will continue, I guess u r right, breathe in and breathe out until u can turn the page....love u xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteLaura
ReplyDeleteI have felt sorry for myself many times...I cried reading this cause I feel the same way. I have always said that when I read your posts...it's as if I wrote them. I am almost 2 yrs into this journey and often wonder when it will get easier. I love reading your blog...thank you for words. Hugs to you.
Chrissy~Cayden's mama